In Seeking a Partner Are We Just Hard to Please, Or is it Impossible to Find Someone Who Fits Us?

Photo by Matt W Newman

When it comes to relationships, the only people who are hard to please are those who have no self-love, who are TAKERS rather than GIVERS, who expect other people to provide everything they lack, including love, then blame them when anything does not match up. They live in a carefully constructed world of perfection, where there is no compromise, so no one will come up to their impossible standards. Of course, as no one in this world is perfect, they are not likely to get what they seek.

The hallmark of the perfectionist seeking a relationship is that they tend to focus on others instead of themselves. They are so busy noticing what potential suitors lack, they forget about their own imperfections and the fact that the other person would not be getting everything they seek, either. In this way, people dance around each other, seldom getting what they want, always finding fault and noticing what’s lacking, instead of making use of the positive attributes; having very little love to give, but expecting a lot from others, and wanting that perfect relationship when they do not have the capacity to build it.

After my divorce, when I met my current boyfriend, one of my requirements was that he liked dancing, because I love it and have always done it. He didn’t dance, didn’t like it, but was willing to do it for my sake, he said. I wasn’t happy with that, as he should do things for himself, not just to please others. Gradually I let go off that expectation as I realised that he might not dance, but he had other great attributes that I liked, and he didn’t get everything he desired from me either. The result is that we’ve been together for seven years, and counting, in an awesome relationship.

We really need to keep reminding ourselves that every human being has strengths and weaknesses. When we fall in love, we accept those two elements without question. We cannot isolate the strengths and wish away the weaknesses to get that perfect partner. They come as a package and the best relationships are created on the foundations of balance in our partners, not hoping a partner will change into a perfect being later down the line. That expectation would bring a lot of disappointment, and ultimately resentment, as the relationship develops.

The most successful relationships work when each party accepts the other as he/she is, warts and all, not what we wish them to be, to make them over to suit us, or to bring expectations of perfection to the interaction. We all have flaws and the best thing for new relationships is for each person to work out what really makes them motivated and happy, and try to focus on those elements in their relationship. If both parties are getting what makes them feel good, in a natural unforced way, that’s a great beginning. In this way, they will accept that they can’t have everything from any one person as they, too, will never completely satisfy another. But by seeking the things that really matter to them, and compromising on the lesser elements, they can find someone to suit them, instead of living a lonely life of impossible expectations without fulfilment.


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