When I was dating, I was asked if I could ever ‘date someone ugly‘. Could I date someone regardless of how his facial, or body, appearance is? Does beauty have to be on the outside as well as the inside?

Having thought about this question over a long time, especially in relation to the men who approached me for dates, I truly believe that anyone who says beauty doesn’t matter is likely to be deceiving him/herself. If they are not, the statement is likely to have an association with how they view themselves and their own experience. It suggests the person does not consider her/himself to be any great ‘beauty’, so they are hoping people will ignore their physicality to concentrate on the inner person. But there are some things in conflict with this idea and approach.

First, until we open our mouths and speak, nature has only one way of bringing people together: their looks. Thus the whole process starts with whether someone’s physical appearance appeals to us in any way for us to take it further and discover more about them. Then it moves to voice, then personality, and finally the whole person. Yes, we have to have that inner beauty of warmth, compassion, and care to go with it. But we cannot know anything about someone’s inner beauty until we make physical contact, and it is the outer beauty that decides the fate of the connection before anything else.

Secondly, when we speak of looks, we are not talking about some inflexible version of beauty, or certain socially engineered perceptions of beauty, like the Brad Pitts and Denzel Washingtons of this world. Looks are individual to the person they appeal to. That is why we might like certain people others might not find attractive because we are all judging our fancies by our own personal interpretation of what constitutes ‘beauty’, which might not match that of anyone else.

So, could we date someone who isn’t ‘good looking’? Yes, we could.

Looks are not defined by the rest of the world, but by our own individual perception and yardstick of what we find appealing in another human being, which might then appear ‘ugly’ and unattractive to others. Looks are also racially, culturally, and gender referenced. So what might be regarded by outsiders as ‘ugly’ in one culture might be simply beautiful within it. Thus our soulmate’s looks has to appeal to us personally for us to appreciate it, not a universal appeal which is vague and undefined. That’s why we are likely to wonder at the pairing of some couples, because we cannot see what they can see in each other. Yet, to that couple, the mutual beauty is clear and unmistakable. We are not able to see the attraction because we are judging that couple from our narrow yardstick of beauty, not theirs.

Looks do matter, in all forms, particularly one’s face and body! It’s just that some people like to pretend that it doesn’t, if their own feelings about themselves tend to be negative. The only sure thing about looks is that they are individual in appeal to whomever is attracted, while they can be repelling to someone else. But they are essential in bringing us together for pairing. Everything else is secondary!