After my divorce, I found a wonderful person on the internet some years ago, but we had a difference of opinion on where the relationship should go. Sadly, we went our separate ways after the most heavenly two year friendship. I wasn’t ready for a new 24/7 life with someone else yet, despite the deep love we had for each other, and he wasn’t keen to start afresh either because of his age. But what a fellow, and what a friendship, especially as we were chalk and cheese in every sense of the word: culturally, racially and in philosophy!
I have moved on, enriched by his love and his presence. I would not have missed the journey for the world because it all adds to our character and learning experience. He certainly provided the litmus test and yardstick for what makes me happy in a relationship, and I give thanks for it. That’s why I became more aware of what I wanted in a relationship, and felt good at having the skills to detect whether it is there or not in any potential date.
Generally, it is not very easy finding a new partner or soulmate because of four different reasons why people come into our lives.
Four Reasons for a Relationship
In brief, the four reasons are:
1.To teach us something, or for us to teach them in turn – and the lesson could be either positive or a negative wake-up call; AND/OR
2. To guide us out of a depression or bad patch in our lives;AND/OR
3. To build our confidence to deal with the next person in line – who could even be the special one for us – AND/OR
4. To be the genuine article: our long-term partners.
It means that hankering after lost loves in bitterness, anger or vengeful hostility is the worse thing you could do to yourself. They have served their purpose and moved on. It has to be accepted with LOVE and FORGIVENESS for your life to progress, too. Notice that finding the right person for us has only a 25% chance of occurring whenever we meet anyone, which explains the difficulty in matching up with the right one!
I thought David was the real thing because of the intensity and length of the relationship. But, he was type No.1 and 2 – there to teach me about real, unselfish love and guide me out of my marital crisis, while I taught him an alternative, wider view of life. He will always be a beacon for me, and I thank him so much because I am a different, much better, person now than when I first met him.
Unrealistic Expectations
However, the main problem with seeking a new partner, with meetings which flounder and with many relationships that end up being shorter than expected, is that most people believe every person they meet and like will be the BIG ONE, No.4, and burden it with their expectations! But nothing could be further from the truth.
The trick is to let that first contact gradually reveal the nature of itself without too many expectations, while taking an interest in that person. Instead of just focusing on yourself, be detached, yet reciprocal, to give yourself some enjoyment and happiness in the learning process. Often we are too busy focusing on our needs, being anxious about how the relationship is going to shape up that we miss the early incompatible signals. But they are ALWAYS there!
For those in failing relationships which are proving increasingly unhappy, let it go! You have both done your jobs and are merely preventing each other from carrying on your work elsewhere, from personal self-fulfilment or even meeting the REAL one. Painful, I know, but it is really about choices and results. The ones you want for your life. If you have genuinely tried to keep it going without much change, hanging on will only lead to a bottomless pit of unhappiness and frustration which robs you of self-esteem and makes you feel worse. If you are not being validated and affirmed, you will feel awful, which shows in your actions and body, making you unattractive to others, too.
One of the first tell-tale signs of an unhappy relationship are people who rarely smile, with haunted looks in their eyes and weighty bodies! But they don’t even realise that’s how they look! I weighed 157 pounds during the last months of my marriage. Today I am a slimmer 135 lbs and my confidence and happiness know no bounds. Proof that letting go of a dying relationship creates space for something new and even magical.
The lesson here is to keep an open mind when you meet someone new. Don’t start fretting about what might develop in the future, when there might not be one for you both! No matter how much you might like them, only time and allowing the friendship to grow, will show you what type of relationship it is.
Lessons in Life Blog 