Problem Point: Why Am I Unable to Make Friends, Like a Social Misfit? 

Photo by Olli Kilpi

(Question. I have never tried to make friends after high school, and now I just feel I cannot even attempt to make friends. I live in a constant delusion of thinking people are evil and going to hurt me. I’m fairly intelligent and, but I think I have gone insane or something.)

Answer. You are not ‘insane’, but you obviously have some emotional fears that only a therapist might be able to dislodge. Thus it isn’t surprising that you find it hard to make friends with such anxious thoughts. First of all, if you go round believing people are evil, you will act like it, which then give off negative vibes that others can feel and they will stay away from you. After all, those pessimistic thoughts do nothing to uplift them, so why should they hang around you? 

Secondly, not everyone can be evil because you are part of the world you inhabit, and it would mean that you are evil, too, which I am sure is not right. Those kind of universal thoughts tend to come from people with high rates of pessimism, low confidence, little trust in others, and who feel impotent to act upon their instincts or experiences. But we are not all clones of each other. Above all, Nature has given us a BALANCE in everything: good and bad, pleasure and pain, summer and winter. You won’t ever find totally one thing or the other in the world.

Third, it is TRUST and SHARING that give us friends. When we do no not trust others, they won’t trust us either, which means there will be no connection and nothing to share. You are approaching people with an accusatory perspective instead of a friendly, embracing one. There is nothing nice and wholesome to share with you, and so they would avoid you. Everything begins with our thoughts and if we are thinking only awful things, an awful which we project on to others, life is all we will have.

It sounds like you were hurt at some point and are using that hurt to judge everyone else. But we are all unique. If you do not treat others as individuals, but lump them all altogether to feed your fears, you are denying them their individuality. No two people are the same, so ditch the pain and hurt you are feeling, accept that both good and bad things happen in our lives each day and put it behind you. That’s how we all develop, by learning to accept and deal with the good and bad in life. When we are stuck back there in negativity we completely miss the present and the good things that life has to offer. Learn to take an interest in others, to get to know them before you judge them, and people will be drawn to you, too, because until you get to know someone, you will have no idea of their life journey.

Remember, you can only attract love with love, not love with evil. The two just don’t go together. You are obviously nursing some hurtful past which you are blaming on everyone else you meet. Stop the blame and the evil thoughts. Stop the self-focus, too, and start noticing, and valuing, the people in your world. Give them the chance to get to know you by working on your confidence, and you might even be surprised what happens next.

(NOTE: Paid subscribers, or significant Donors, can have their questions answered publicly. A private service is available separately.)


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