Problem Point: I Really Want Marriage But My Boyfriend Is Unsure.

Image by Tumisu

Q. We fight all the time and at the core of the fighting is the fact that I’m hurt that he is so unsure. It’s had a downward spiral effect on the relationship. His family doesn’t like me anymore because of the fighting which have just gotten more and more hurtful. What started out so wonderful is now a mess, but I love him and he loves me. He just can’t commit to a future the way we are now, and I can’t go any Ionger with no commitment.

A. A rather sad story in view of the fact that the fight is about actually progressing your love! If you fight all the time, that is not a good basis for a marriage, anyway, and being married won’t make it better. Constant fights, for whatever reason, is a sign of being unsuitable for each other; that your values are not in tune  and your relationship is not going anywhere. In fact, I think after two years together you both sense that the relationship is dying, and fear that eventuality, so you think being married will make things better while he perhaps believe that it won’t.

It is his right not to commit to a future, if he doesn’t want to, and he is entitled to have that accepted. However, it is also your right to find someone else who will commit to you and share your values of emotional security. It is not your place to badger him into any kind of commitment. Such commitment must be mutual, and voluntary, to work. As things stand now, your chief value is not being fulfilled because he won’t commit, and his value is not being fulfilled, either, because you are badgering him to commit. Not very good. Either give him some space to actually miss you enough to reconsider his position, or leave him alone altogether and find someone whom you really love and who loves you enough to commit to you. It seems that you might love him, but he doesn’t love you as much, because when we truly love we would wish to commit to that person in some way. We wouldn’t be working against them.

As you said, your fights have become more and more hurtful. That’s not the basis for a loving relationship. It will just keep getting worse until the relationship dies. Time to follow your instincts and let it be; to find someone who matches you a little more in what you seek than to grow increasingly resentful, bitter, aggressive and unattractive with someone who doesn’t really value you to the same extent.

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