Problem Point: Why Do Some Men Cheat?

Posted on 15/11/2022 by mscyprah

Question: Elaine, why do some men cheat when they have a good woman? Are they never satisfied with what they have?

Answer. Obviously, we know that women cheat, too. But as the question refers to men personally, and statistics prove they are the main culprit in this action, they will be dealt with here.

First, people cheat for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it is simply because they can do it, or the opportunity is available. But cheating is done primarily by three types of men:

a. those with low self-esteem

b. those who are unhappy at home and

c. those who are afraid of commitment and are seeking ‘fun’.

Low Self Esteem,
Cheating tends to be done by men with mixed, conflicting, or weak values. They are not firm in their commitment or in their identity of themselves, neither are they sure of what they really want in life. They tend to have low self-esteem and a lack of trust in others. No matter how ‘good’ or faithful the partner is, having one woman is seldom enough. In their eyes, there is always someone better outside. Perhaps being deprived of expressive love when they were younger, particularly from their mothers, there is always a doubt in their minds as to how worthy they are to women. Add to that, the competitive nature of their world, where they are always trying to impress their peers, and the usual answer is also to try to impress as many women as they can to uplift their feelings of self-worth, regardless of the quality of life at home. But that merely causes heartache for the chosen women, while reinforcing the men’s low self-esteem as ‘bad’ guys or ‘bastards’ in a never-ending circle.

The serial philanderer is marked by a strong desire to ‘prove’ something, though he is not quite sure what that is. However, it is usually about his virility, control of women, or ability to attract women. Men who go from one woman to another are also the worst at having that done to them, always feeling indignant at their women daring to fancy someone else because that is all part of what they are trying to prove, that they are the best lovers. Yet they are likely to be very poor lovers because it is always about them, no one else, and so they tend to take instead, finding it very difficult to truly give of themselves.

Unhappy Men
Married men, and those in long term relationships, cheat mainly because they believe that having a short-term affair will temporarily resolve any problems they have at home and prevent them from ‘hurting’ anyone long term. The fact that their partner is already being hurt by their lack of attention and affection – and being prevented from finding love, too – does not seem to come into the picture. There are three problems with this approach.

First, it stops the major conflicts in the relationship being acknowledged, explored and addressed. Second, it makes the situation worse because any liaison only proves starkly what is already missing at home, especially sexually. Third, it deliberately ignores the fact that the man is taking his affections elsewhere which begs the question: How does giving one’s self to someone else shows love and affection for the person left at home and, above all, accord her due respect for her love and support?

Finally, men in unhappy relationships stray through a conflict of perception. What their women perceive that men want from them might not be necessarily what those men actually desire, and women seldom seek to find out because they are afraid of the answers! So after the honeymoon period is over, when their heartfelt desires haven’t been fulfilled, spouses soon seek it elsewhere. In the meantime the women who are affected turn on the men and blame them for their ‘bad’ behaviour instead of looking into themselves to see where they have missed a connection and, at worse, getting out of their demoralising situation.

It is always easier to vilify others because it stops us looking at ourselves, but women aren’t tied to philandering men. They can actually make a life for themselves on their terms by CHOOSING to act differently. Each person is responsible for their lives. It is fear which keeps them stuck while they wait in vain for the men to change.

Fearing Commitment
The next major group of ‘cheating’ men are the ones who fear commitment. They want a ‘secure’ home, with all the trimmings, one they can return to at the end of the day, but they do not like to perceive themselves as ‘married’ or long-term partners, stuck to one person. They like to keep their options open and so they seek ‘fun’, which carries the implication that marriage, or being in a relationship, is ‘serious’ business so one has to get the fun outside! They miss the supreme irony that if they are in a really great relationship, it would be automatic in fun and enjoyment because any relationship is supposed to make them happy. Not make them feel so terrible that they need to have ‘fun’ elsewhere. This category also contains ageing men who are worried about getting older and believe that starting again with someone else, usually someone younger, will give them a new lease of life and make them feel better, while they preserve the status quo at home to ensure the benefits from both sides.

Women as ‘Victims’
I believe women also condone such cheating by their behaviour in sustaining it through fear of the consequences of their own reaction, and the pay-off they get from having the men with them. Women who put up with such soul-destroying behaviour by constantly ‘forgiving’ the offenders, have no self-love or respect either. They are prepared to forgive for their own benefit, too. There is always some pay-off for doing that, otherwise they would not be living in denial hoping the men will change, when only self-change guarantees real alteration in such situations.

Many times it is also to ‘punish’ the men for their actions, but they only end up punishing themselves through ongoing bitterness, resentment and pain, while becoming less attractive in the process! Negativity only destroys, it doesn’t build anything. So if your man is a serial philanderer, you really are only hurting yourself and need to get out of there. Everyone is entitled to a second chance. But if he is on his third affair, he has had two chances too many, and will merely continue doing it because your continued acceptance teaches him that he can get away with it.

Women in these situations usually believe that they ‘love’ the men who perpetuate such gross disrespect to them, and they are loved in return. But it has nothing to do with love. Love does not seek to hurt. Love appreciates, is unconditional, and at its heart is respect for the individual. Where there is no respect for a person and their feelings, there is no love. And wherever someone will continually put up with something that is detrimental to him/herself, while they keep blaming another for their predicament, you will find firm evidence of the absence of their own self-love and respect.

There will also be the deep-seated belief that they do not deserve anything better. They are likely to believe that their man, as ‘bad’ as he is, will be the only one to love them. And so they stay put, trying to ‘love’ their partner, while dying inside from exclusion, hurt and neglect. Yet only they have the power to change their situation by seeing it for what it really is: simple, relentless emotional abuse which will damage them in the end.

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Five Reasons Why Marriages Are In Decline

Posted on 15/11/2022 by mscyprah

Going by the latest statistics, marriages are significantly on the decline in the UK. In 1970, there were 480,285 marriages registered. As of 2021, the yearly average has has dropped steadily to 275,000 weddings, annual average, a massive fall of 43% during that time. In fact, the year 2007 produced the lowest marriage rates since they were registered. One writer in the Guardian attributed the gradual fall mainly to a lack of trust in society among people for each other, labelling current marriages as “households built on sand”. That could be one factor, but I doubt if it comes anywhere near the five major factors that are keeping marriages at bay in our technological world. The figures apply mainly to opposite sex relationships.

The first and main reason is that today’s men and women are caught in transition.

The old authoritarian order where men were regarded as head of the household and could literally dictate whether a woman was taken or remained a spinster for life has been gradually swept away. Both sexes are now caught in no man’s land rapidly re-writing the rules. Women, in particular, are enjoying new freedoms, able to take care of themselves without needing to marry to do so. They have their own income, their own houses and their own cars, the kind of assets men would boast of when trying to woo a woman.

Many men now feel inadequate in that respect and are unsure of their approach. Worse still, too many lack confidence in how to interact with women. The goalposts of macho security have long moved and, fearing being rejected by the new independent women, many men prefer to look but lack the courage to make any connection. The result is a lot of lonely people busily skirting around each other, superficially looking keen and eager, but, in the absence of modern protocol, are often scared witless as to how they should proceed with that contact.

The next key factor is a fear of being hurt.

Men on dating sites even have handles that say ‘Please don’t hurt me!”, which sounds so wimpish and cowardly. One feels the urge to say: We’ve all been hurt, just get over it! But men, in particular, take hurting very badly and many lives are actually determined by that fear of being emotionally scarred. Yet, by focusing on being ‘hurt’, they forget that pleasure comes before any kind of hurt and so they’ll miss out on the pleasure, too. Which is why many of them are increasingly lonely, angry and bitter at the state of their lives. A person living in fear is not a happy one. Fear spells doom and gloom because such people are simply waiting for the next worst thing to happen to them.

Not surprisingly, it does happen, in a self-fulfilling way, because when we fear we bring that fear into reality through our expectations and a lack of trust. If they believe that the next woman they meet will cheat on them it is only a matter of time before this happens because the way they treat that woman, mainly with suspicion and negative expectations, will soon annoy her off enough to send her into the arms of another. Most men need to recognise that life goes in a balance of pain and pleasure, up and down, good and bad, birth and death, for example. We cannot have one without the other and the quicker we cope with each event and leave it behind, the more effectively we cope with hurting, too.

3. The third problem for modern couples is seeking perfectionism in choice of partners.

Most people now will not make do with ‘second best’ in their eyes. Unless their choices are exactly right in every way, fitting the perfect imaginary identikit, they will not marry. She must have certain characteristics, especially being “young, slim and beautiful” and he must be “tall, handsome, solvent/wealthy”, and certainly not bald! Of course, as there would be a premium on these perfect beings, with younger women wanting even younger men, there are a lot of unhappy people whose unrealistic expectations are being ignored.

Many people foolishly believe that they are actually shopping for an unchanging product when they are seeking a partner, one that comes to order. But human beings are emotionally diverse and are ever changing. Often by focusing on some aspects to the detriment of others, one is likely to miss something else of value that person might bring to the friendship. The only two things that should matter in a connection are the degree of attraction and chemistry between them. Everything else will gradually unfold.

The next major factor is a practical one: fear of divorce costs.

Marrying is pretty simple to do if one doesn’t desire a big splash. But the divorce can be traumatic because everything has to be shared. When there is bitterness and resentment included as well, that usually mean lawyers – and lawyers cost. That is why many people baulk at weddings. They project themselves further down the line and the sheer thought of the expense of divorce puts all thoughts of marriage in the shade. For some people it is all too much.

Finally, there is the sex factor.

In the past, most people, especially women, ‘saved’ themselves for the man of their dreams, and to conform to social and religious protocol of no sex before marriage. If men wanted sex, they could only get it in being married. Now with freer sex between couples, there is no need for marriage, especially when one puts that together with the desire to have children significantly decreasing or being deferred to a later age. Many men are now having children in their late 40s and early 50s, putting careers firmly in front of families. It means the desire to settle down with someone and to have a family is lessened to a large degree for younger people. Many do not see the point in getting married at all, especially if they believe that they cannot afford to keep a family.

Fifty years ago marriage was the important foundation for society. It validated the family unit, it confirmed procreation, it established men in caring roles and gave security to women who often had no other outlet for their talents. Today, with increasing self-awareness and independence, the reasons for marriage are becoming obsolete, except in religious or traditional spheres. One thing seems certain: so long as people fear being hurt, seek perfect partners and lack the confidence to interact with one another, the decline of marriage will continue until something else, perhaps more convenient, gradually takes its place.

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Problem Point: How Do I Get My Girlfriend To Respect Me?

Posted on 08/11/2022 by mscyprah

Q. My girlfriend doesn’t think she “disses” me, but I can’t get her to understand what respect is. She thinks of it as courtesy. When we are together, we do the things she wants to do, even though I have told her plenty of times about this. I often wonder why she will not talk about her feelings to me, unless she is angry at someone. I feel very close to her when she does cry about something in my presence. I get so frustrated when we just have sex and there is no “pillow talk”–and then she will want to play Scrabble, or watch a movie. Have you any ideas how I can get her to recognise what respect is?

A. I don’t promise to have all the answers, because it is difficult forming opinions when one is judging from only one side of a situation, mainly your perspective. However, I’ll simply raise some scenarios, purely from a woman’s perspective, and see if they help in any way. A few things leapt out of your query and I’ll use these as examples.

1. “We do the things she wants to do even though I have told her plenty of times about this.”

You shouldn’t be just TELLING partners what to do, but negotiating a compromise. Only controllers dictate and expect people to follow. If you merely tell her what to do and leave her to act, or constantly complain about her efforts, she will keep doing what she has always done just to defy or punish you, especially if she puts her needs first. What you also don’t realise, is that when you do what she wants, and then tell her you don’t like it, you are reinforcing the very thing you dislike. Of course, it is harder to change it then. The time to express your feelings is BEFORE you both do it, then either join in on mutually agreeable terms, or not at all.

You have two choices here. Either to sit down together and have some genuine, calm dialogues about what makes you both happy, and mentioning how you feel excluded and undervalued at such moments when she merely pleases herself. Then negotiate some sort of compromise so that you BOTH get what you want as often as possible. OR you simply stop agreeing with her actions for a while, don’t try to please her or join in, and see what she does.

2. “I often wonder why she will not talk about her feelings to me, unless she is angry at someone.”

Often when people stop talking, or appear angry, it is because they feel they are not being heard and are festering with resentment, but lack the courage to say how they really feel. Your girlfriend seems to be keeping talking to a minimum because she probably does not find the process satisfactory, enjoyable or endearing. Instead she deliberately engages in activities which give few opportunities for talking and is also silent in bed (perhaps as a form of punishment for the way she feels). I am not sure how long you have been together, but something seems to have gone in the communication aspect and would need some genuine LISTENING on both sides to get it back.

They say we cannot truly love another until we love ourself. The same with respect. We cannot expect it if we don’t give it, neither can respect be demanded. It has to be earned, too. So the first path towards getting your girlfriend to recognise respect and to treat you accordingly is to do some self-examination of your way of giving respect because the ability to say NO is as important as saying YES.

3. How much do you really treat her with respect? How much does she feel valued and respected for her contributions and opinions? How equal is the partnership? Do you just notice her weaknesses and flaws with little praise for other things?

4. You say that when she cries you feel very close to her. Is it because she is more vulnerable then and more easy to control? You then feel more in charge and less threatened, more protective as the ‘man’? What about closeness at other times? Do you feel as close when she is not crying? If not, why not? Do you feel ‘useless’ at those times?

Those questions need answering because, if you perceive your girlfriend to have a strong personality or independence, some men can find that difficult to deal with as it threatens their feeling of value, status and even their identity, especially if they have specific cultural references relating to how men and women should act. However, apart from getting her to read my reply, you cannot teach someone about respect. They have to FEEL they want to give it because it usually comes naturally when we truly care about someone and feel at one with them.

As I said, it is difficult for me to advise when I do not know your situation from both sides. Nevertheless, it is surprising what a little bit of listening rather than just telling can achieve. You might not hear what you want to hear, but at least it will provide some clues as to the root causes and also how you can both begin to remedy the situation. Or, more ominously, it could be that either one, or both, of you has lost your appeal and, when that goes, sadly, it seldom comes back which then keeps respect at rock bottom. It sounds as though there is physical appeal between you, but no emotional bond, hence the lack of ‘pillow talk’. If that is the case, or if all else fails, you might have to let that one go and seek someone more affirming, respectful and reciprocal.

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IS There A Difference Between Passion And Love?

Posted on 07/11/2022 by mscyprah

When we speak about Love, many of us treat Passion as entirely separate from it. We often hear about dates ‘falling into lust’ at the beginning of a relationship when the two people are so into each other. They’re so attracted and mesmerised by one another, they want to spend as much time together as they can and to make love as often as possible. The feelings at such times seem deep, exciting and endless.

On the other hand, there are many couples, especially in long term relationships, who have lost their ‘chemistry’, and their Passion for each other. They do things mechanically and without motivation as part of their settled routine. Many have not even had sex for years or affirmed each other in any way.

These love extremes have led some people to believe that any intense passionate feelings when two people have just met cannot be relied upon as a good barometer of lasting Love. That because it is tied to ‘lust’, the ‘real Love’ comes much later on, or not at all. We also talk of having a ‘passion’ for something: an interest, hobby or activity that gives us great joy. Thus we can usually tell how meaningful something is to us by how we feel about it; the way it moves us to want to express our feelings for it and be devoted to it to greater levels.

That’s what Passion is, in a nutshell: the intensity of feeling we have for someone or something. Passion is not something in its own right, like Love. It has to be associated with something else to have any value. It gains its existence by demonstrating how much we actually care about something that’s important to us. Thus the degree of Passion is the giveaway sign.

Passion, when applied to a relationships, is like a marker, a ruler or yardstick, but it is not Love itself. Passion is essentially the intensity of the Love we feel. If we have rapidly lost our passion for someone it’s not because we didn’t love them in the first place, or we only felt lust for them. It is more likely because, over time, as the person has revealed him/herself, our Passion has gradually decreased in its level, or increased, and we are feeling differently about them. So lust isn’t really separate from Love. Both are the same at the beginning because both can take off or fall flat, depending on the level of passion we feel for the object of our affection.

It seems that Love reveals its true self, and has a chance to blossom, when passion subsides, but not too much. If we use a numerical scale for assigning levels of passion, say 7, with seven being the greatest level and one being the lowest, lovers who have recently met and are passionate about each other (the ‘lust’ phase), would be rating a 6 or 7 in their feelings. As the couple settle together, passion will steady itself to a 5 or 6, depending on how much the couple continue to affirm, nurture and validate each other. Those who have started to take each other for granted, but are still in love because the passion is strong (chemistry) will have a steady rate of 4 or 5. But it seems that, for Love to continue with the couple indefinitely, the level cannot fall below 4. Level 3 in passion becomes highly problematic and levels 1 and 2 mean the relationship is dead or on its way out – becoming unsustainable.

In essence, Love cannot exist without some kind of passion because passion is the driving force behind it. Passion allows people to come alive to one another. It gives a kind of adrenalin rush, regularly, but not constantly. It is fired up by interaction of one kind or another. When that does not happen, feelings subside, too, and inevitably change to something else more detached or negative.

If you are trying to work out how you really feel about someone just now, especially whether you love them or not and should marry or settle together, but you can’t feel much passion, or you don’t feel rejuvenated, excited or getting that butterfly feeling, please don’t go there! Your Passion is at too low a level to start something with a long term commitment. Yes, your feelings of Love might increase, but then the person would feel more like a dear relative to you than a lover, simply because passion is the fire that lights your Love. When that fire goes out, so does the Love, eventually, to be replaced by something indifferent, negative or even repellent!

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Personal Dilemma: Can A Couple Fall In Love With Each Other Again?

Posted on 30/10/2022 by mscyprah

Relationships often go stale and dull when couples settle into complacency, especially if they last a long time. The burden of keeping a home, looking after children who demand constant attention, while holding down a job, can rob the partnership of its freshness, vibrancy and excitement.

In Britain at least 34% of divorces involve children under 5! That’s a very sad statistic mainly because parents are not aware of how to blend a new child with their romance. They focus almost exclusively on the newborn (women mainly) while unintentionally excluding themselves from their partners. Soon enough, romance is killed or put on hold, one parent (mainly men) begins to feel resentful at the lack of attention and might look outside for comfort. Separation or divorce is not far off! So children can actually destroy relationships, if parents aren’t careful.

However, the main problem with many relationships is that couples soon begin to take each other for granted. They stop affirming and reinforcing each other and start being mean and critical instead. They gradually lose all the things they did when they were dating because they feel more secure with the partner in the bag. Many don’t bother to celebrate their partners anymore and, gradually, things go down the drain. But that does not have to happen, if there is real love in the relationship.

The following suggestions to rekindle romance should be of some value.

1. Tell each other ‘I love you’ as often as possible. It is the greatest compliment to tell a partner how we honestly feel, but some people do not believe in expressing genuine feelings to their loved ones. Many believe it is ‘unnatural’ or they could be ‘overdoing’ it. Yet there is no law against having positive feelings and telling someone about them regularly. The most loving things are done spontaneously, and as often as we feel the need to do them, not according to particular schedules. It could also be the last thing they hear from you!

2. Praise and appreciate each other. As relationships last longer, appreciation tends to gradually decline. We begin to become meanspirited with praise and gratitude, because we come to see every action as automatic. Yet praising someone’s efforts, no matter how small, helps to REINFORCE them, to value them and leaves little room for neglect.

3. Leave love notes around the home for them in unexpected places. There is nothing more endearing than loving surprises, especially when one least expects them. Leaving little messages of love, sending spontaneous texts, or just taking time out of a busy day to call to say ‘I’m thinking of you’ would really make that person feel special.

4. Establish routines for young children: Put them to bed at a set time each day. That should allow you both time together when they are in bed. Try not to take them with you to ‘adult’ gatherings. That should give you more time to enjoy each other’s company, especially with other adults. Most important, try to go out at least twice each month (wining, dining, cinema, concert, dancing etc). These allow you both quality time together doing something lighthearted, while giving you time away from the children. In this way, you will always have some time for yourselves, and quality time for your children.

5. Walk hand in hand when outdoors. Whatever you are doing, do it lovingly, especially walking together. Hug, hold hands, kiss his face now and then, kiss her hand, demonstrate that love to the world. Walking hand in hand gives a wonderful feeling of belonging, togetherness and joy. It encourages closeness while communicating or enjoying activities together. Moreover, on a practical level, regular walking keeps the weight down and encourages a more healthier lifestyle. These public actions might be restricted by cultural conformity, depending on where you reside.

6. Highlight the difference you’ve made to each other. This is a very important aspect, to AFFIRM someone and to let them know, constantly, how their presence has changed your life. We become different people the minute we meet someone because we are happier, more joyful, more purposeful and far more loving. When things go sour, we tend to forget those early magical moments. But being with someone new, who really gives us butterflies and adds meaning to our existence, is always a life enhancing experience.

7. Spend a whole weekend in bed making love, chatting and affirming. Having a healthy sex life is crucial to communication, to keeping the relationship vibrant and partners together. Yet this is the part that really gets thrown by the wayside, especially when kids are on the scene. Forget the chores and everything else. Book a room in a hotel, if possible, and allow yourselves to be pampered. This would be a poignant reminder of why you came together in the first place: to love each other, not just to have a family or keep a house.

Dating and romancing shouldn’t stop when the two people marry or settle together. That is the time the real dating should begin to keep that romance fire burning brightly for a long time to come. It could save a lot of unexpected heartache and loneliness down the line.

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Why Do Break-Ups Hurt Some People So Much?

Posted on 19/10/2022 by mscyprah

Once when I was dating and had a break-up I wrote about it on a dating site and got an interesting email from a guy wanting to know how I can seem so confident and cool in the face of it. As he said, if he “had been with someone for four months, and then had to walk away” he would be “devastated”. I thought I would expand on my response and share it publicly, because it is a very important question, in view of all the recurrent heartbreaks.

This was part of my response:

“I wouldn’t be devastated, because the main reason people get hurt, especially after short relationships, is because they don’t love themselves enough. They expect the other person to love them instead, and end up putting that person above themselves. Sadly, when the person walks away they are even more hurt, because, having no internal source of love, the only source would have left them alone, confirming the low unworthy feelings they already have about themselves.”

I am human, too, and do feel naturally upset after any break-up. However, it doesn’t last for long. As I tend to be very expressive, I am also very trusting. I fall deeply and I love equally passionately, which make me even more vulnerable to being hurt. Yet break-ups hardly affect me emotionally, no matter how much I love the person. It got me thinking why I don’t suffer the usual angst of people who are really hurt by it, and I gradually worked it out.

What most people probably don’t realise is that every relationship has three crucial elements at the heart of it:

1. Self Love

2. The capacity to love another

3. The desire to be loved

Most people go into relationships armed with just the desire to be loved. That’s the easy bit. But what is even more important is to have the other two elements, which are often missing. In fact, the most important aspect of a relationship is SELF-LOVE (which acts as a protective barrier to pain). But loving the self unconditionally, without expecting perfection, is not an easy thing to do after a history of not being valued or affirmed by the people who matter in our lives, like parents and past lovers.

Yet self-love is like having money or riches. If we have no love for ourselves, we cannot give away any either. That date will never be able to do enough for us simply because we will always feel inadequate. The irony is that a love of the self frees us to be more loving and understanding towards another. For example, though I did miss him very much – because we had grown pretty close very quickly, my self love made me smile and remember our awesome moments together, whenever he comes to mind, rather than any anger, recrimination or blame; to also give thanks for what we shared rather than what we might have lost.

Sadly, most relationships consist of two people without any self-love or capacity to love. In effect, there are two TAKERS instead of givers in the relationship, wanting to be loved, and looking after their own corner, while being unable to truly love themselves or each other. It means when the relationship breaks down it would be doubly painful for one person because he/she would have been emotionally dependent on the one who took that love away. That partner would have been living in constant fear of the relationship not working, and would then be pretty shaken when it does break and the love stops.

Loving the self reminds us that we matter the most in any relationship. We are the cake, the other person is the icing, and icing is never mandatory. Icing might go beautifully well with a cake but it is a CHOICE, just like having a date is a choice. It means that once the icing goes, we would have enjoyed it, enhanced that icing with our presence, but, in the end, we stand independently of it, because we are all on our individual journey of life. With that knowledge, we can appreciate ourselves more, and will also have more to GIVE a partner than merely expecting them to give us what we seek. We can take them or leave them, as they are, and, best of all, if they should leave us, our self-love will keep us intact – more aware, confident, positive, much wiser – and better prepared for the next encounter.

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Have You Ever Avoided Meeting Others For Fear Of Rejection?

Posted on 15/10/2022 by mscyprah

A reader asked this recently, and my answer was short, and unequivocal: No, I haven’t, because we only fear rejection for the following reasons:

When we put others above us so that whatever they do determines our reaction, and how we live our lives.
When we see people as clones of each other, instead of individuals. If one person doesn’t like us we then attribute that behaviour to everyone else and believe that no one else is ever going to like us again!
When we are low in self-esteem and confidence, believing that we are not worthy, not as good as anyone else, and not capable of being loved once we are rejected.
When we do not love ourselves and expect other people to love us instead to compensate for the self-love we lack. Naturally, when they reject us we feel even worse because it confirms why we are not worthy of being loved.
When we believe there is only one person who’ll be our ‘true love’, so when they reject us, we believe we are finished, and no one else will want us.

Falling in and out of love is a natural part of life. However, just as we can easily fall in love, we can fall out, too, but many people want the good bit without the bad part, which is not possible because that’s how Nature gives us balance. Furthermore, every experience in life, whether good or bad, teaches us something useful and prepares us to handle the next stage of our lives. If you live in fear of rejection, instead of letting life take its course, you might never be rejected, but you would never experience the joy of love either, because love and happiness ALWAYS come before hurt and rejection. When you live in fear of anything instead of taking life in your stride, fear is all you have because you are not focusing on something positive, but on negative things that only destroy your happiness. They don’t build anything.

Accept rejection as a natural part of your existence simply because each of us is entitled to our likes and dislikes, you included. Enjoy the moment and give thanks for it. If you meet someone who rejects you, accept it, and move on to someone better, because that one person does not represent everyone on earth who may like you, too. It doesn’t mean the there is anything wrong with you. It simply means they do not feel you are compatible together. Moreover, that rejection could be the best thing that ever happened to you, because you never know what you could have been saved from in the longer term with them!

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Online Dating: The ‘Candy Shop Syndrome’ And Disappointed Men

Posted on 13/10/2022 by mscyprah

(Excerpt from: THE PLEASURES AND PITFALLS OF ONLINE DATING!

As mentioned before, men appear to complain a lot on dating sites out of sheer frustration caused mainly by a mismatch of the reality with their optimistic expectations: such as frustration in finding dates, having women respond to them, having undeveloped communication, being constantly blocked, and not finding someone to match them.

However, one thing many guys are forgetting is this: If you are walking down the street and 500 people are heading towards you, chances are that you will fancy probably ONE of that whole group, or perhaps none. This is no different with the Internet. Just because a lot of people gather in one place doesn’t mean one will instantly find a partner. It takes an awful lot of patient searching and talking to others to finally reach someone who might fit the bill. In bygone days, when travel was not so common, and networking didn’t exist, people were limited to their towns and villages and had to take what they could find, hence the many failed and unhappy marriages of yesteryear because people were mismatched. Today, everyone has to do their own work in finding that partner as all the usual community avenues are closed.

However, forgetting that aspect, the main reason why many men are not getting much back is because they don’t know what they want! Thus they wouldn’t recognise it if it got up and whacked them across the cheeks. Many men (and women) approach dating sites with what I call the ‘candy shop’ syndrome. “There are LOTS of sweets, so which one shall I choose?” Being so excited, they forget that some sweets can make them ill, but they still choose randomly without a thought, because many have this IDEAL in their heads that does not match the reality of who they are and what they want. They are foiled every time because the women they seek cannot align with the guys they see, so the ideal cannot become reality.

The first law of getting to know someone else is to know who we are. When we live in denial about our bodies (like our height or weight), what we like, or what makes us tick and when we are willing to compromise what we value for expediency, it is difficult to attract someone who is honest. We will just keep attracting others in denial, too. Not surprisingly, things do not get off the ground, or they go pear-shaped soon afterwards.

For example, when I was dating, the number of men who didn’t bother to read my profile, simply went by my pictures and then raced towards me was pretty sad. They then became annoyed if I didn’t respond favourably. I guess that is what was happening to many other women: unsuitable men believing that just because they fancy a woman, she must fancy them in return!

The Law of Attraction

Dating sites work by the Law of Attraction. You will attract who you are, whether honest or lying, well-meaning or superficial. If you are attracting a certain type, YOUR persona and actions are drawing them to you, perhaps because you are not being transparent, you have not made your expectations clear, perhaps settling for anything, being possibly in denial about who you are, or behaving like they do.

I know that women perhaps have it easier on dating sites, but I had the reverse problem to the men: too much attention and offers of dates! And I really didn’t think it was just because I was a woman. I know I am good looking too (and was also in my 50s, which should have stopped a lot of ageist men!). But, my secret of success was that I knew what made me happy (like my dancing), and didn’t go there if I didn’t see any mention of it. If I have any doubts at all, I didn’t let a round peg fit a square hole! I swiftly moved on to someone else.

It meant I had mainly pleasurable contacts, I was always courteous with a reply, I tried not to whinge about anything and, if one approach wasn’t working, I quickly tried something else to widen my search pool and the number of potential contacts. As they say, only an insane person keeps doing things exactly the same way and expects different results, so I regularly reviewed my situation! Make sure your profile and actions are clear. Will you settle for anything, in your need for attention, or do you know who you are, or the main things you want? If you don’t, sadly, someone else will always set the agenda for you, and leave you feeling disappointed, frustrated and unhappy.

PREMIUM: Why Falling In Love Is Not So Easy!

Posted on 12/10/2022 by mscyprah

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Most of us secretly hope for that moment of ecstasy when we fall in love, when the heart races faster just at the thought of that chosen person, and we feel we are on cloud nine. Sadly, many people are not likely to experience the bells and whistles attached to falling in love because they lack the key elements that make it possible.

So, what could some folks be missing which prevents them from reaching that highly-desired goal at any time in their lives? It seems to be four crucial factors, which will be explained in priority order:

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Today’s Thought: The Power of Sensitivity to Others

Posted on 03/10/2022 by mscyprah

Sensitivity is such a powerful concept because it can make such a difference to anither person’s experience. When we care we are sensitive to the desires and concerns of those who matter to us, in particular, and of strangers in our world who might feel lost and at sea. We care how they feel; we give them our best and they would do all that in return, too. Mutual giving and respect make up reciprocity which is the greatest source of happiness between a couple.

Thinking for our partners, being sensitive to their moods and being empathetic to their anxieties all help to make a relationship truly pleasurable. When we are thoughtful we value the things that matter to our dates/partners; we give them space to develop their unique selves; we accept them completely as they are without conditions and allow them to be human without judging or criticising them. When we are sensitive to, and thoughtful about, others we give them room to breathe, we value them daily and celebrate their presence. Thoughtfulness allows couples to treat one another as special and to put each other first at every opportunity.

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Do You Believe In Marriage Or A Live-In Relationship?

Posted on 29/09/2022 by mscyprah

Personally, I think the answer to this question depends on one’s culture and perspective. If you’re from a culture where marriage is seen as very important, and an essential part of family life (for example, in countries where joining two families is less for romance and more for pooling resources or building a dynasty), you would not be able to avoid getting married, otherwise a lot of people would be upset about it. You might even be excluded and rejected going against the norm. But in the 21st century, especially in developed Western countries like the UK and America, where more people are remaining single or living in relationships, it seems that an increasing number of people don’t care about marrying anymore, preferring to live together, and these relationships have both advantages and disadvantages.

For a variety of reasons, more people are forsaking marriages, perhaps because of a lack of commitment, or for the freedom it gives to break apart at any time without worrying about the high cost of divorce. In the UK living together has risen to over 13% over the past decade (23% in the U.S), while marriage has declined. It is not such a stigma anymore to live together, or to have children out of wedlock, so many people – especially younger couples – now please themselves in the kind of home they have. Whatever the reason, it seems to be the trend of the future. But it’s not marriage that causes problems between couples, it’s the possessive attitude and expectations around marriage that surface after the vows are taken.

Personally, I was married for nearly 30 years and enjoyed it to a great degree. I liked the emotional security it gave, the sharing and companionship, and the feeling of belonging without having to keep wondering where the relationship is heading. I have also enjoyed my freedom since leaving the marriage and would probably not get married again, all things considered. But, a part of me believes that when we love someone, unless we are not prepared to show that commitment, whether for one day or 10 years, we should be married, otherwise what is that love really about?

Right now I like my lifestyle as, being a writer, I enjoy solitude to think, so my partner and I choose to live apart, while sharing every possible moment together. It’s not ideal, but the love seems to grow stronger despite eight years shared already. I do not need a marriage certificate to show me that I love my current partner, or vice versa, neither do I need to be married to appreciate the relationship. But if I my partner wanted to get married, I would certainly consider it, because it would be lovely to pledge myself to someone I wanted in my life, for however long it lasts. A marriage also allows friends and family to share in that joyous occasion by declaring our love publicly, and we are all here for each other, not simply to live in a selfish way.

Above all, the public pledge together gives a very strong message about how we feel for each other and the commitment we have. So I think being married would certainly give the edge for me, though I appreciate that the choice of being married or not rests with each individual.

So which one do you prefer?

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Feeling Neglected, Though Part Of A Family

Posted on 26/09/2022 by mscyprah

One of the biggest causes of breakdowns in relationships is simple neglect of a partner once children appear on the scene. No attention, no affection and, worst of all, no sex, as spouses become lost in the routine and minutiae of child rearing, forgetting how those children came about in the first place! This unwitting form of rejection, especially in the early years of marriage, is perpetuated in many homes and often sets the seal for trouble ahead.

New additions to families have the knack of grabbing all the attention. Daily, many mums (in particular) strive to accommodate this sudden, pervasive and persistent demand on their time, often in an unnecessarily guarded and protective manner, that gradually excludes their partners and spouses. Invariably, it is men who lose out at this time. Some do not take such exclusion lightly, often feeling jealous of the new rival, but not quite sure how to react in these sensitive and uncharted waters.

When the demands of the child constantly interfere with the normal togetherness and intimacy the couple enjoys, it is difficult to maintain a positive, romantic or even sympathetic perspective. Inexperienced, anxious mothers are primarily concerned about their new and vulnerable charges, while excluded fathers are reduced to the role of helpless bystanders, often withdrawing emotionally from the situation while constantly fretting on the quiet. It won’t be long before they look elsewhere for comfort and affirmation, judging by the disproportionate number of divorces in the UK which involve young children under 11 years old (68% of all UK divorces in 2017 – 30% with children under 5!).

Two individuals trying to live harmoniously together is no easy feat and sometimes we unwittingly set a train of action into motion, blissfully unaware of the consequences until it flattens us to a pulp. Like this routine-looking scene in my local park one Sunday that masked many anxieties. Running noisily around a park bench was an animated group of children, with a male and female guardian in their thirties. Three very lively youngsters buzzed around the woman, competing with one another for her attention. Seemingly concerned, she sat very still, holding on tightly to the youngest child, cradling his head against her warm body as if she could not bear to let him go. With her head bowed in a sort of reverie, she seemed oblivious to the merrymaking and intermittent noise around her, and was equally oblivious to someone else standing in front of her.

Signs of Frustration
A man of similar age, rather windswept and miserable, looked down at her longingly. Sporadically, he looked away at the people around him and back to his companion in a cycle of futile expectation. Her lack of response unnerved him. He seemed trapped by the situation, in which he was expected to give attention to children wrapped up in their own game while feeling decidedly excluded himself. Perhaps he was her lover, or her husband. Either way, these simple signs of frustration pointed to a relationship heading for trouble.

The haunting look in his eyes as he tried to appear nonchalant, when he clearly wanted her attention, and perhaps a cuddle too, was not difficult to see. He scoured the park for similar situations; for the reassurance that as a man he was in the right place at the right time doing the right thing. But the reassurance was not forthcoming and the look of bewilderment on his face betrayed not only a desperate kind of wonder at what he could do next, but also his increasingly obvious feeling of being unwanted and on the periphery. The young toddler might have required attention at that precise moment, but the woman was so focused entirely on his needs, everything else appeared to be in suspended animation. That scene has been indelibly etched on my mind ever since.

With children in tow, this couple is likely to be married. And, with this type of relationship providing the most up-to-date statistics on living together, it is easy to see the downward trends in the length of marriages once children are on the scene. Love is universal in its effects and emotions are always predictable be they personal, individual, peculiar or particular. Any two committed people sharing the same space can expect a repeat of what happens to many other couples, especially with new additions to the family. The advent of children, even as a welcome third party, could spell doom for most couple’s relationships unless they are strong, knowledgeable and mature enough to deal with the new situation sensibly. Often this is not the case, as no one has prior training for such sensitive times. The results can then, sadly, be seen in the courts.

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