Problem Point: How Do I Get My Girlfriend To Respect Me?

Posted on 08/11/2022 by mscyprah

Q. My girlfriend doesn’t think she “disses” me, but I can’t get her to understand what respect is. She thinks of it as courtesy. When we are together, we do the things she wants to do, even though I have told her plenty of times about this. I often wonder why she will not talk about her feelings to me, unless she is angry at someone. I feel very close to her when she does cry about something in my presence. I get so frustrated when we just have sex and there is no “pillow talk”–and then she will want to play Scrabble, or watch a movie. Have you any ideas how I can get her to recognise what respect is?

A. I don’t promise to have all the answers, because it is difficult forming opinions when one is judging from only one side of a situation, mainly your perspective. However, I’ll simply raise some scenarios, purely from a woman’s perspective, and see if they help in any way. A few things leapt out of your query and I’ll use these as examples.

1. “We do the things she wants to do even though I have told her plenty of times about this.”

You shouldn’t be just TELLING partners what to do, but negotiating a compromise. Only controllers dictate and expect people to follow. If you merely tell her what to do and leave her to act, or constantly complain about her efforts, she will keep doing what she has always done just to defy or punish you, especially if she puts her needs first. What you also don’t realise, is that when you do what she wants, and then tell her you don’t like it, you are reinforcing the very thing you dislike. Of course, it is harder to change it then. The time to express your feelings is BEFORE you both do it, then either join in on mutually agreeable terms, or not at all.

You have two choices here. Either to sit down together and have some genuine, calm dialogues about what makes you both happy, and mentioning how you feel excluded and undervalued at such moments when she merely pleases herself. Then negotiate some sort of compromise so that you BOTH get what you want as often as possible. OR you simply stop agreeing with her actions for a while, don’t try to please her or join in, and see what she does.

2. “I often wonder why she will not talk about her feelings to me, unless she is angry at someone.”

Often when people stop talking, or appear angry, it is because they feel they are not being heard and are festering with resentment, but lack the courage to say how they really feel. Your girlfriend seems to be keeping talking to a minimum because she probably does not find the process satisfactory, enjoyable or endearing. Instead she deliberately engages in activities which give few opportunities for talking and is also silent in bed (perhaps as a form of punishment for the way she feels). I am not sure how long you have been together, but something seems to have gone in the communication aspect and would need some genuine LISTENING on both sides to get it back.

They say we cannot truly love another until we love ourself. The same with respect. We cannot expect it if we don’t give it, neither can respect be demanded. It has to be earned, too. So the first path towards getting your girlfriend to recognise respect and to treat you accordingly is to do some self-examination of your way of giving respect because the ability to say NO is as important as saying YES.

3. How much do you really treat her with respect? How much does she feel valued and respected for her contributions and opinions? How equal is the partnership? Do you just notice her weaknesses and flaws with little praise for other things?

4. You say that when she cries you feel very close to her. Is it because she is more vulnerable then and more easy to control? You then feel more in charge and less threatened, more protective as the ‘man’? What about closeness at other times? Do you feel as close when she is not crying? If not, why not? Do you feel ‘useless’ at those times?

Those questions need answering because, if you perceive your girlfriend to have a strong personality or independence, some men can find that difficult to deal with as it threatens their feeling of value, status and even their identity, especially if they have specific cultural references relating to how men and women should act. However, apart from getting her to read my reply, you cannot teach someone about respect. They have to FEEL they want to give it because it usually comes naturally when we truly care about someone and feel at one with them.

As I said, it is difficult for me to advise when I do not know your situation from both sides. Nevertheless, it is surprising what a little bit of listening rather than just telling can achieve. You might not hear what you want to hear, but at least it will provide some clues as to the root causes and also how you can both begin to remedy the situation. Or, more ominously, it could be that either one, or both, of you has lost your appeal and, when that goes, sadly, it seldom comes back which then keeps respect at rock bottom. It sounds as though there is physical appeal between you, but no emotional bond, hence the lack of ‘pillow talk’. If that is the case, or if all else fails, you might have to let that one go and seek someone more affirming, respectful and reciprocal.

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The Fitness Booster: Is There Such a Thing as ‘The Truth’? See NEW Motivational Tips on Boosting Wellbeing!

Posted on 08/11/2022 by mscyprah

Do you tend to feel shy, afraid, and anxious? Sometimes life can feel overwhelming, especially when you have disappointments, or things are not going as expected.

• Are you feeling some frustration with life just now?

• Always finding fault with yourself, with what you say, and your actions?

• Is there something you would love to do but feel afraid of doing it, because you fear failure and messing it up, which is more overwhelming than the possible gains?

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS WEEK’S TOPICS

Does Confidence Come From Growing Into My Desired Self, or Being Comfortable With Who I Am?

I Really Don’t Want to Work. Is That Normal?

Personal Dilemmas: What would you do?

Do People Take Advantage of You Because You Cannot Say ‘NO’?

I Lost My Job And Don’t Seem to Have Any Direction Now

When It Comes To Beliefs, Is There Such A Thing As ‘The Truth’?

If you don’t feel confident about yourself, achieving your dreams or having great relationships, and could do with a boost in your self-esteem, The Fitness Booster Newsletter is just for you! It complements this blog, and covers a wide range of mental health and emotional health issues, giving useful tips on what to say in tricky circumstances and how to execute routine actions in a confident, winning way.

SUBSCRIBE FREE TODAY on Substack for regular posts and podcasts on improving your self-assurance and feeling more worthy and competent in your activities.

The Problem With Seeking ‘Fair Shares’ In A Relationship

Posted on 07/11/2022 by mscyprah

One of the most common arguments in any relationship is always centred around the notion of FAIR SHARES: Some people come to the partnership believing that, as long as they do their ‘half’, their ‘bit’ or their ‘fair share’ all will be well. However, our perception of a genuine ‘half’ can be someone else’s idea of 10 per cent – a discrepancy which causes the most disagreement in thr home. There is no such thing as a successful long-term relationship where each partner gives only a personal interpretation of their half. The inevitable truth is that, after a while, the differing perceptions of sharing will result in cries of “Selfish!” or “Unfair!”

What is genuinely fair is usually decided between both parties in advance of living together, or soon after moving in with each other. True halves have to be negotiated to become the couple’s reality. Better to come to the union expecting to give 100 percent and find that much less is taken from you, than prepare to give 50 per cent, only to have it regarded as insufficient! If you know that your partner is contributing more than their perceived ‘fair share’, it’s easier for you to do the same, too. But often, not every contribution can be measured.

Many people, particularly older ones who have been married for a while, tend to take their partners for granted. They also believe there is nothing new for them to learn about life or love. But if we have not been taught how to communicate and resolve problems, it is always useful to learn. Most parents are not able to teach their children the skills for handling difficult times or getting on with others satisfactorily, yet those skills are essential for keeping romance from dying in relationships, especially on days when the children are upset, money is tight as the debts pile up, and the job is boring or demoralising. In these times of difficulty, fair shares become blurred, as they do not always conform to expectations.

For example, one partner can ask the other to help with housework, and if they do not like to do it that task will be done in a grudging way, resentfully, without too much enjoyment. However, a fairer approach could be identifying the strengths on both sides and everyone choosing according to their skills. For example, my ex and I agreed that he would attend to structural things in the home, and look after the garden (I didn’t like gardening!) and I preferred to care for inside the home, while we share the children’s care, as required, and appropriate. It worked very well for over 25 years!

Developing and reviewing our coping skills so that we treat partners fairly, is important for keeping the relationship alive over a long time. Some of the key skills required in these situations include: building self-esteem, understanding and supporting your partner, regular communication, creating ground rules to avoid conflict, a willingness to compromise and keeping the love fire burning. Taking action in your own self-education, while including your partner in the process, will allow you both to benefit from a successful relationship, one where ‘fair shares’ is not just a personal perception, but an actual reality.

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IS There A Difference Between Passion And Love?

Posted on 07/11/2022 by mscyprah

When we speak about Love, many of us treat Passion as entirely separate from it. We often hear about dates ‘falling into lust’ at the beginning of a relationship when the two people are so into each other. They’re so attracted and mesmerised by one another, they want to spend as much time together as they can and to make love as often as possible. The feelings at such times seem deep, exciting and endless.

On the other hand, there are many couples, especially in long term relationships, who have lost their ‘chemistry’, and their Passion for each other. They do things mechanically and without motivation as part of their settled routine. Many have not even had sex for years or affirmed each other in any way.

These love extremes have led some people to believe that any intense passionate feelings when two people have just met cannot be relied upon as a good barometer of lasting Love. That because it is tied to ‘lust’, the ‘real Love’ comes much later on, or not at all. We also talk of having a ‘passion’ for something: an interest, hobby or activity that gives us great joy. Thus we can usually tell how meaningful something is to us by how we feel about it; the way it moves us to want to express our feelings for it and be devoted to it to greater levels.

That’s what Passion is, in a nutshell: the intensity of feeling we have for someone or something. Passion is not something in its own right, like Love. It has to be associated with something else to have any value. It gains its existence by demonstrating how much we actually care about something that’s important to us. Thus the degree of Passion is the giveaway sign.

Passion, when applied to a relationships, is like a marker, a ruler or yardstick, but it is not Love itself. Passion is essentially the intensity of the Love we feel. If we have rapidly lost our passion for someone it’s not because we didn’t love them in the first place, or we only felt lust for them. It is more likely because, over time, as the person has revealed him/herself, our Passion has gradually decreased in its level, or increased, and we are feeling differently about them. So lust isn’t really separate from Love. Both are the same at the beginning because both can take off or fall flat, depending on the level of passion we feel for the object of our affection.

It seems that Love reveals its true self, and has a chance to blossom, when passion subsides, but not too much. If we use a numerical scale for assigning levels of passion, say 7, with seven being the greatest level and one being the lowest, lovers who have recently met and are passionate about each other (the ‘lust’ phase), would be rating a 6 or 7 in their feelings. As the couple settle together, passion will steady itself to a 5 or 6, depending on how much the couple continue to affirm, nurture and validate each other. Those who have started to take each other for granted, but are still in love because the passion is strong (chemistry) will have a steady rate of 4 or 5. But it seems that, for Love to continue with the couple indefinitely, the level cannot fall below 4. Level 3 in passion becomes highly problematic and levels 1 and 2 mean the relationship is dead or on its way out – becoming unsustainable.

In essence, Love cannot exist without some kind of passion because passion is the driving force behind it. Passion allows people to come alive to one another. It gives a kind of adrenalin rush, regularly, but not constantly. It is fired up by interaction of one kind or another. When that does not happen, feelings subside, too, and inevitably change to something else more detached or negative.

If you are trying to work out how you really feel about someone just now, especially whether you love them or not and should marry or settle together, but you can’t feel much passion, or you don’t feel rejuvenated, excited or getting that butterfly feeling, please don’t go there! Your Passion is at too low a level to start something with a long term commitment. Yes, your feelings of Love might increase, but then the person would feel more like a dear relative to you than a lover, simply because passion is the fire that lights your Love. When that fire goes out, so does the Love, eventually, to be replaced by something indifferent, negative or even repellent!

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Personal Dilemma: Can A Couple Fall In Love With Each Other Again?

Posted on 30/10/2022 by mscyprah

Relationships often go stale and dull when couples settle into complacency, especially if they last a long time. The burden of keeping a home, looking after children who demand constant attention, while holding down a job, can rob the partnership of its freshness, vibrancy and excitement.

In Britain at least 34% of divorces involve children under 5! That’s a very sad statistic mainly because parents are not aware of how to blend a new child with their romance. They focus almost exclusively on the newborn (women mainly) while unintentionally excluding themselves from their partners. Soon enough, romance is killed or put on hold, one parent (mainly men) begins to feel resentful at the lack of attention and might look outside for comfort. Separation or divorce is not far off! So children can actually destroy relationships, if parents aren’t careful.

However, the main problem with many relationships is that couples soon begin to take each other for granted. They stop affirming and reinforcing each other and start being mean and critical instead. They gradually lose all the things they did when they were dating because they feel more secure with the partner in the bag. Many don’t bother to celebrate their partners anymore and, gradually, things go down the drain. But that does not have to happen, if there is real love in the relationship.

The following suggestions to rekindle romance should be of some value.

1. Tell each other ‘I love you’ as often as possible. It is the greatest compliment to tell a partner how we honestly feel, but some people do not believe in expressing genuine feelings to their loved ones. Many believe it is ‘unnatural’ or they could be ‘overdoing’ it. Yet there is no law against having positive feelings and telling someone about them regularly. The most loving things are done spontaneously, and as often as we feel the need to do them, not according to particular schedules. It could also be the last thing they hear from you!

2. Praise and appreciate each other. As relationships last longer, appreciation tends to gradually decline. We begin to become meanspirited with praise and gratitude, because we come to see every action as automatic. Yet praising someone’s efforts, no matter how small, helps to REINFORCE them, to value them and leaves little room for neglect.

3. Leave love notes around the home for them in unexpected places. There is nothing more endearing than loving surprises, especially when one least expects them. Leaving little messages of love, sending spontaneous texts, or just taking time out of a busy day to call to say ‘I’m thinking of you’ would really make that person feel special.

4. Establish routines for young children: Put them to bed at a set time each day. That should allow you both time together when they are in bed. Try not to take them with you to ‘adult’ gatherings. That should give you more time to enjoy each other’s company, especially with other adults. Most important, try to go out at least twice each month (wining, dining, cinema, concert, dancing etc). These allow you both quality time together doing something lighthearted, while giving you time away from the children. In this way, you will always have some time for yourselves, and quality time for your children.

5. Walk hand in hand when outdoors. Whatever you are doing, do it lovingly, especially walking together. Hug, hold hands, kiss his face now and then, kiss her hand, demonstrate that love to the world. Walking hand in hand gives a wonderful feeling of belonging, togetherness and joy. It encourages closeness while communicating or enjoying activities together. Moreover, on a practical level, regular walking keeps the weight down and encourages a more healthier lifestyle. These public actions might be restricted by cultural conformity, depending on where you reside.

6. Highlight the difference you’ve made to each other. This is a very important aspect, to AFFIRM someone and to let them know, constantly, how their presence has changed your life. We become different people the minute we meet someone because we are happier, more joyful, more purposeful and far more loving. When things go sour, we tend to forget those early magical moments. But being with someone new, who really gives us butterflies and adds meaning to our existence, is always a life enhancing experience.

7. Spend a whole weekend in bed making love, chatting and affirming. Having a healthy sex life is crucial to communication, to keeping the relationship vibrant and partners together. Yet this is the part that really gets thrown by the wayside, especially when kids are on the scene. Forget the chores and everything else. Book a room in a hotel, if possible, and allow yourselves to be pampered. This would be a poignant reminder of why you came together in the first place: to love each other, not just to have a family or keep a house.

Dating and romancing shouldn’t stop when the two people marry or settle together. That is the time the real dating should begin to keep that romance fire burning brightly for a long time to come. It could save a lot of unexpected heartache and loneliness down the line.

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What Causes a Person To Seem immature?

Posted on 29/10/2022 by mscyprah

Maturity depends on personal development. The same person can seem immature at different stages of their life for a variety of factors relating to their situation, and the most common ones tend to be:

Lack of experience, which leads to a narrow viewpoint, perhaps a refusal to accept the views of others due to this limited perspective, and being stuck at a specific point in time without really moving on.
Lack of knowledge and general awareness about life. It is difficult to be mature without appropriate knowledge and information which tend to enhance intelligence.
Lack of intelligence and the inability to grasp issues that other mature, experienced people might easily appreciate.
A desire to act younger than they are in inappropriate contexts, like people who wish to imitate others instead of being themselves, or try to be what they are not to feel included and part of a specific group.
Fear of being an adult with responsibilities. Staying at an immature level helps the person to feel secure without needing to feel anxious about anything they are not quite ready for.
Being kept at an immature and childish level by parents who are reluctant to let go of their children, and who deny them access to adult knowledge, action and experience.

Maturity is basically an awareness of, and readiness for, required communication and action at each new stage of life. Thus the core of immaturity is ignorance of behaviour in a given context through lack of knowledge, information and experience, which can also include a desire to play the fool, or use excessive humour, to attract attention.

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How Do Words Impact Our Lives?

Posted on 21/10/2022 by mscyprah

Personally, I think most of us don’t fully understand the true power and impact that words have on us, otherwise we might be more wary of what we say!

Language defines us, reveals us and demonstrates our routine priorities. For example, the word ‘bored’ never comes into my vocabulary because I simply have too much to do to have time for that. Thus anyone using that word is saying a lot about how they FEEL about their time, and the inability to engage their talents to productive use. That also applies to any other word.

The words we use are also not accidental. We CHOOSE the words we feel most comfortable with according to our culture, treatment, identity, awareness, relevance, education and aspirations. For example, if we find it easier to use negative words than positive ones, they point to low self-belief, lack of confidence in ourselves, and a feeling of impotence.

Importantly, words come out of thoughts, so we cannot avoid certain words until we change our mindset and thought processes. Changing how we think also changes our perceptions and enable different words to come to the fore. However, as words reflect our beliefs about ourselves, changing them is not an easy thing to do until those beliefs are changed, too.

Our words are the most accurate indication of who we are and our true values, and have strong impact on our existence. That is why when people use certain derogatory words, and then deny them with defensive explanations like: “That’s not really me”, they are not being truthful. Those words would represent who they are, and the fears and prejudices they hold. As their circle or society might not condone what they say, it loses them friends, face and credibility, which prompts them to retract. However, we seldom use words we are not comfortable with, unless we are brainwashed by others.

Words are the only tools we have to indicate how others perceive us, and value us. Hence their impact, when used positively, or without empathy, can have a effect very powerful on others

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Why Do Break-Ups Hurt Some People So Much?

Posted on 19/10/2022 by mscyprah

Once when I was dating and had a break-up I wrote about it on a dating site and got an interesting email from a guy wanting to know how I can seem so confident and cool in the face of it. As he said, if he “had been with someone for four months, and then had to walk away” he would be “devastated”. I thought I would expand on my response and share it publicly, because it is a very important question, in view of all the recurrent heartbreaks.

This was part of my response:

“I wouldn’t be devastated, because the main reason people get hurt, especially after short relationships, is because they don’t love themselves enough. They expect the other person to love them instead, and end up putting that person above themselves. Sadly, when the person walks away they are even more hurt, because, having no internal source of love, the only source would have left them alone, confirming the low unworthy feelings they already have about themselves.”

I am human, too, and do feel naturally upset after any break-up. However, it doesn’t last for long. As I tend to be very expressive, I am also very trusting. I fall deeply and I love equally passionately, which make me even more vulnerable to being hurt. Yet break-ups hardly affect me emotionally, no matter how much I love the person. It got me thinking why I don’t suffer the usual angst of people who are really hurt by it, and I gradually worked it out.

What most people probably don’t realise is that every relationship has three crucial elements at the heart of it:

1. Self Love

2. The capacity to love another

3. The desire to be loved

Most people go into relationships armed with just the desire to be loved. That’s the easy bit. But what is even more important is to have the other two elements, which are often missing. In fact, the most important aspect of a relationship is SELF-LOVE (which acts as a protective barrier to pain). But loving the self unconditionally, without expecting perfection, is not an easy thing to do after a history of not being valued or affirmed by the people who matter in our lives, like parents and past lovers.

Yet self-love is like having money or riches. If we have no love for ourselves, we cannot give away any either. That date will never be able to do enough for us simply because we will always feel inadequate. The irony is that a love of the self frees us to be more loving and understanding towards another. For example, though I did miss him very much – because we had grown pretty close very quickly, my self love made me smile and remember our awesome moments together, whenever he comes to mind, rather than any anger, recrimination or blame; to also give thanks for what we shared rather than what we might have lost.

Sadly, most relationships consist of two people without any self-love or capacity to love. In effect, there are two TAKERS instead of givers in the relationship, wanting to be loved, and looking after their own corner, while being unable to truly love themselves or each other. It means when the relationship breaks down it would be doubly painful for one person because he/she would have been emotionally dependent on the one who took that love away. That partner would have been living in constant fear of the relationship not working, and would then be pretty shaken when it does break and the love stops.

Loving the self reminds us that we matter the most in any relationship. We are the cake, the other person is the icing, and icing is never mandatory. Icing might go beautifully well with a cake but it is a CHOICE, just like having a date is a choice. It means that once the icing goes, we would have enjoyed it, enhanced that icing with our presence, but, in the end, we stand independently of it, because we are all on our individual journey of life. With that knowledge, we can appreciate ourselves more, and will also have more to GIVE a partner than merely expecting them to give us what we seek. We can take them or leave them, as they are, and, best of all, if they should leave us, our self-love will keep us intact – more aware, confident, positive, much wiser – and better prepared for the next encounter.

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5 Main Reasons Why Some Teenagers Might Act In Disrespectful Ways

Posted on 19/10/2022 by mscyprah

Teenagers are seldom disrespectful without a reason, because every teen wants to be loved and valued. They would not risk their feeling of security and inclusion for the sake of it. However, it is natural that, during the teenage years, many teens begin to detach from their parents, perhaps to rebel and assert their personality, as a prelude to being their own person. But, depending on their personality, and childhood treatment, some teens are better at doing that than others.

In brief, teens tend to be disrespectful especially when:

1. They feel unloved, unwanted and misunderstood

This is the main reason why teens go off the rails and behave badly. It is their way of getting back and hurting the parent for the lack of worth they feel. They do not have a strong sense of value, and so the respect goes as well to compensate for that. Their behaviour is more like retaliation and revenge for not feeling loved and appreciated. Kids need to be shown love and affection daily. A simple hug, a kind word, and positive reinforcement are essential to show value and appreciation, and to increase the teen’s feeling of security and self-worth.

2. They are not affirmed or reinforced, but mainly criticised

Their views and feelings are not respected. This often happens in strict homes where there is too much discipline, too little slack, and too many expectations that the teen might find difficult to fulfil. They have no way of thriving as an individual, and the frustration is evident in disrespectful, thoughtless actions.

Many parents are so keen for the child to develop in their own image and likeness, they often forget that there is an independent person waiting to emerge and unwittingly stifle their growth. This, of course, causes resentment, anger, and lack of respect. The main tip here is NOT to criticise before you praise. Always begin with praise when you have to be corrective and, where possible, don’t criticise at all, simply affirm every desired or acceptable thing they do and downplay or ignore the rest. In this way, you will bring desired behaviour to the fore, and reduce the undesirable ones. ALWAYS try to compromise with the teen’s need, and not just insist on your own. It shows respect for their feelings and aspirations, and teaches them to respect yours, too.

For example, when my children were growing up and started dating, they were requested to bring every new friend home. They could have them in their room, but the door had to be always open and the friend had to leave by 11 pm. It meant that we did not have to worry where my teens were in the evenings. In this way, I did not try to control their lives and they had a chance to meet their friends openly, instead of being furtive. It also showed the friends the standard of behaviour expected in our home.

3. They are emotionally hurting and in pain

Many children hurt for lots of reasons that their parents are not even aware of. Often the parents get the stick simply for being there, because there is no one else to blame. The child could be bullied, or being abused in some way, or has fallen out with peers, and disrespect to a parent makes up for the lack of support and good feeling the teen may perceive are missing. The best way to deal with this aspect is to talk to them often about their day, show concern for their life and activities, without being too intrusive. Be sensitive to when they might be unusually quiet or pre-occupied, and be there for them when you sense they need your comfort.

4. They have been indulged and spoilt

Disrespect is rife in homes where parents have been permissive in bringing up their children, and where there are few firm rules for appropriate behaviour. In these homes, teens have not been taught how to disagree in an assertive manner. It is easy for the teen to push the boundaries and act in a disrespectful way, because they know no different, and genuinely believe that kind of behaviour would be appropriate and accepted. In these permissive homes, the teens are often confused by the inconsistency in their treatment, and bad behaviour is their way of rebelling against this.

The best tips here are to be firm, but fair, with the teen from as early as possible in their life; to be consistent, but flexible, with rules, and to ensure that the boundaries for good behaviour are kept in place, and with some discretion. Every step along the way, make sure that teens are taught appropriate ways of asking for what they desire, disagreeing with decisions made, acknowledging when they are wrong, and being able to deal with rejection. Those coping skills will gradually become routine in their behaviour as they get older, and help to make them more confident in interacting with others.

5. They are copying parental behaviour

Children in homes where the parents do not treat each other with any respect, and where language is abusive, critical or inappropriate, tend to use those examples as their guidelines and behave accordingly. Parents teach their children not only through what they say, but, most importantly, through what they DO. Children will pick up inappropriate and ambiguous behaviour when they have been set the wrong examples. The parents might not want that to happen, but that is the only outcome where there is no other model to copy. The best tip in this instance is to behave in a manner that you wish your teen to adopt. Set the desired tone and behaviour consistently, and they are likely to follow it, because they will be able to make the right decision when they are faced with conflicting behaviours and have to choose for themselves.

If parents practise respect, trust, sensitivity, flexibility and consistency with their teens, they are likely to stave of conflicting , anxious and inappropriate behaviour, while also ensuring respect for themselves, and a more satisfying relationship.

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Why Do I Fear Upsetting People, Or Them Being Disappointed in Me?

Posted on 17/10/2022 by mscyprah

If you have such fears, it could be both a need for approval and the need to be perfect, because of your low self-esteem and lack of confidence in yourself. Needs that keep you firmly in your tracks, dogged by fear, until the significant others tells you it is okay. But we cannot stop people from being disappointed in us because each person has a different expectation of us, a different aim for us and a different perception of whom we should be. Only self-belief and the realisation that no one is better than anyone else should guide your actions. While we all seek approval when we are younger, which is natural to bond with our parents, a sign of maturity and independence is the desire to seek personal approval only through self-belief and self-appreciation.

Your fear of disapproval perhaps helps you to project your thoughts of feeling inadequate on to the people you are trying to please or impress, in fact, deciding how they are going to regard you, making up their mind for them, judging yourself harshly for them, and having expectations on their behalf in your desire to control their reactions favourably. The only advice is: Lay it down, and start being you. Perfection has control and conformity at its centre, and it does not allow for mistakes, risk taking, innovation or genuine self-realisation, either. Worst of all, it causes much stress – and stress ages you and shortens your life!

Perhaps it is time to keep asking yourself what is the worst that can happen when someone is upset with you? Keep asking it of everyone you fear and see how you would deal with the perceived consequences. That is how you build your confidence and self-worth, by facing the worst scenarios and dealing with them, either physically or mentally. Not from shying away from life and dreading the experiences. You will then gradually discover what you really fear about a lack of approval and be able to do something about it.

Perhaps you could start by acknowledging that there is no such thing as perfection. It is an unreachable state. We are made as fallible people so that we can forever GROW and develop into wonderful beings. When we focus on perfection, and fulfilling exactly what other people want, we rob our lives of the little imperfect things which make it magical. We forget that whatever we do someone else is likely to better it, or to take it to new heights of excellence. We also forget that, if we were granted our wish to be perfect, there would be nothing left to do in life, except to stagnate in a huge void of meaningless existence.

I always ask myself which I would rather be: Green and growing, and ready to learn, or ripe and rotting and knowing it all? because perfection is the end state, not the beginning. We are so afraid to upset others, or vice versa, we stay in the same habitual rut, doing he same actions and getting the same results without even knowing why.

You start to fix perfection by living a little, letting your hair down sometimes, and not trying too hard to please. By just being YOU. That’s the only sure way to appreciate yourself more. You will gradually lose the intense desire to impress others because you will be at peace with you, and their expectations will come second or lower in the scheme of your life.

Please remember, that you might try to please people as often as you can, but the day you cannot genuinely please them, they really won’t understand it, and you will be mud in their eyes, anyway! Best to please yourself because those who like you as you are will flock to you, and those who don’t will give you a wide berth, and good riddance to them, anyway, if all they will do is drag you down or be negative to you.

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Today’s Thought: Understanding The Use of Stereotypes

Posted on 17/10/2022 by mscyprah

There is no harm in using stereotypes to make sense of an unfamiliar situation, especially if we accept that there is always an exception to any rule or obvious pattern. The brain tends to work from the panoramic to the microscopic picture. Stereotypes become discriminatory and unacceptable when we still choose to use them, even when we have the knowledge and information that disputes them.

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Have You Ever Avoided Meeting Others For Fear Of Rejection?

Posted on 15/10/2022 by mscyprah

A reader asked this recently, and my answer was short, and unequivocal: No, I haven’t, because we only fear rejection for the following reasons:

When we put others above us so that whatever they do determines our reaction, and how we live our lives.
When we see people as clones of each other, instead of individuals. If one person doesn’t like us we then attribute that behaviour to everyone else and believe that no one else is ever going to like us again!
When we are low in self-esteem and confidence, believing that we are not worthy, not as good as anyone else, and not capable of being loved once we are rejected.
When we do not love ourselves and expect other people to love us instead to compensate for the self-love we lack. Naturally, when they reject us we feel even worse because it confirms why we are not worthy of being loved.
When we believe there is only one person who’ll be our ‘true love’, so when they reject us, we believe we are finished, and no one else will want us.

Falling in and out of love is a natural part of life. However, just as we can easily fall in love, we can fall out, too, but many people want the good bit without the bad part, which is not possible because that’s how Nature gives us balance. Furthermore, every experience in life, whether good or bad, teaches us something useful and prepares us to handle the next stage of our lives. If you live in fear of rejection, instead of letting life take its course, you might never be rejected, but you would never experience the joy of love either, because love and happiness ALWAYS come before hurt and rejection. When you live in fear of anything instead of taking life in your stride, fear is all you have because you are not focusing on something positive, but on negative things that only destroy your happiness. They don’t build anything.

Accept rejection as a natural part of your existence simply because each of us is entitled to our likes and dislikes, you included. Enjoy the moment and give thanks for it. If you meet someone who rejects you, accept it, and move on to someone better, because that one person does not represent everyone on earth who may like you, too. It doesn’t mean the there is anything wrong with you. It simply means they do not feel you are compatible together. Moreover, that rejection could be the best thing that ever happened to you, because you never know what you could have been saved from in the longer term with them!

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