Do you tend to feel shy, afraid, and anxious? Sometimes life can feel overwhelming, especially when you have disappointments, or things are not going as expected.
• Are you feeling some frustration with life just now?
• Always finding fault with yourself, with what you say, and your actions?
• Is there something you would love to do but feel afraid of doing it, because you fear failure and messing it up, which is more overwhelming than the possible gains?
If you don’t feel confident about yourself, achieving your dreams or having great relationships, and could do with a boost in your self-esteem, The Fitness Booster Newsletter is just for you! It complements this blog, and covers a wide range of mental health and emotional health issues, giving useful tips on what to say in tricky circumstances and how to execute routine actions in a confident, winning way.
SUBSCRIBE FREE TODAY on Substack for regular posts and podcasts on improving your self-assurance and feeling more worthy and competent in your activities.
Do you tend to feel shy, afraid, and anxious? Sometimes life can feel overwhelming, especially when you have disappointments, or things are not going as expected.
• Do you dislike your reflection when you look in the mirror?
• Always finding fault with yourself, with what you say, and your actions?
• Is there something you would love to do but feel afraid of doing it, because you fear failure and messing it up, which is more overwhelming than the possible gains?
If you don’t feel confident about yourself, achieving your dreams or having great relationships, and could do with a boost in your self-esteem, The Fitness Booster Newsletter is just for you! It complements this blog, and covers a wide range of mental health and emotional health issues, giving useful tips on what to say in tricky circumstances and how to execute routine actions in a confident, winning way.
SUBSCRIBE FREE TODAY on Substack for regular posts and podcasts on improving your self-assurance and feeling more worthy and competent in your activities.
Personally, I think most of us don’t fully understand the true power and impact that words have on us, otherwise we might be more wary of what we say!
Language defines us, reveals us and demonstrates our routine priorities. For example, the word ‘bored’ never comes into my vocabulary because I simply have too much to do to have time for that. Thus anyone using that word is saying a lot about how they FEEL about their time, and the inability to engage their talents to productive use. That also applies to any other word.
The words we use are also not accidental. We CHOOSE the words we feel most comfortable with according to our culture, treatment, identity, awareness, relevance, education and aspirations. For example, if we find it easier to use negative words than positive ones, they point to low self-belief, lack of confidence in ourselves, and a feeling of impotence.
Importantly, words come out of thoughts, so we cannot avoid certain words until we change our mindset and thought processes. Changing how we think also changes our perceptions and enable different words to come to the fore. However, as words reflect our beliefs about ourselves, changing them is not an easy thing to do until those beliefs are changed, too.
Our words are the most accurate indication of who we are and our true values, and have strong impact on our existence. That is why when people use certain derogatory words, and then deny them with defensive explanations like: “That’s not really me”, they are not being truthful. Those words would represent who they are, and the fears and prejudices they hold. As their circle or society might not condone what they say, it loses them friends, face and credibility, which prompts them to retract. However, we seldom use words we are not comfortable with, unless we are brainwashed by others.
Words are the only tools we have to indicate how others perceive us, and value us. Hence their impact, when used positively, or without empathy, can have a effect very powerful on others
BEFORE YOU GO…..
Did you find this post useful? Learnt something new today?
Do you tend to feel shy, afraid, and anxious? Sometimes life can feel overwhelming, especially when you have disappointments, or things are not going as expected.
• Do you dislike your reflection when you look in the mirror?
• Always finding fault with yourself, with what you say, and your actions?
• Is there something you would love to do but feel afraid of doing it, because you fear failure and messing it up, which is more overwhelming than the possible gains?
If you don’t feel confident about yourself, achieving your dreams or having great relationships, and could do with a boost in your self-esteem, The Fitness Booster Newsletter is just for you! It complements this blog, and covers a wide range of mental health and emotional health issues, giving useful tips on what to say in tricky circumstances and how to execute routine actions in a confident, winning way.
SUBSCRIBE FREE TODAY on Substack for regular posts and podcasts on improving your self-assurance and feeling more worthy and competent in your activities.
If you have such fears, it could be both a need for approval and the need to be perfect, because of your low self-esteem and lack of confidence in yourself. Needs that keep you firmly in your tracks, dogged by fear, until the significant others tells you it is okay. But we cannot stop people from being disappointed in us because each person has a different expectation of us, a different aim for us and a different perception of whom we should be. Only self-belief and the realisation that no one is better than anyone else should guide your actions. While we all seek approval when we are younger, which is natural to bond with our parents, a sign of maturity and independence is the desire to seek personal approval only through self-belief and self-appreciation.
Your fear of disapproval perhaps helps you to project your thoughts of feeling inadequate on to the people you are trying to please or impress, in fact, deciding how they are going to regard you, making up their mind for them, judging yourself harshly for them, and having expectations on their behalf in your desire to control their reactions favourably. The only advice is: Lay it down, and start being you. Perfection has control and conformity at its centre, and it does not allow for mistakes, risk taking, innovation or genuine self-realisation, either. Worst of all, it causes much stress – and stress ages you and shortens your life!
Perhaps it is time to keep asking yourself what is the worst that can happen when someone is upset with you? Keep asking it of everyone you fear and see how you would deal with the perceived consequences. That is how you build your confidence and self-worth, by facing the worst scenarios and dealing with them, either physically or mentally. Not from shying away from life and dreading the experiences. You will then gradually discover what you really fear about a lack of approval and be able to do something about it.
Perhaps you could start by acknowledging that there is no such thing as perfection. It is an unreachable state. We are made as fallible people so that we can forever GROW and develop into wonderful beings. When we focus on perfection, and fulfilling exactly what other people want, we rob our lives of the little imperfect things which make it magical. We forget that whatever we do someone else is likely to better it, or to take it to new heights of excellence. We also forget that, if we were granted our wish to be perfect, there would be nothing left to do in life, except to stagnate in a huge void of meaningless existence.
I always ask myself which I would rather be: Green and growing, and ready to learn, or ripe and rotting and knowing it all? because perfection is the end state, not the beginning. We are so afraid to upset others, or vice versa, we stay in the same habitual rut, doing he same actions and getting the same results without even knowing why.
You start to fix perfection by living a little, letting your hair down sometimes, and not trying too hard to please. By just being YOU. That’s the only sure way to appreciate yourself more. You will gradually lose the intense desire to impress others because you will be at peace with you, and their expectations will come second or lower in the scheme of your life.
Please remember, that you might try to please people as often as you can, but the day you cannot genuinely please them, they really won’t understand it, and you will be mud in their eyes, anyway! Best to please yourself because those who like you as you are will flock to you, and those who don’t will give you a wide berth, and good riddance to them, anyway, if all they will do is drag you down or be negative to you.
BEFORE YOU GO…..
Did you find this post useful? Learnt something new today?
Basically, many of us are unhappy with ourselves because of a futile wish to be ‘perfect’. We mustn’t have a blemish, the wrong shape in anything, be thought of as different. But achieving such perfection is not only useless, but impossible, especally as each of us is perfect as we are. that’s what makes us unique: BOTH our strengths and perceived weaknesses.
So how can you be happier with you? mainly by not comparing yourself to others, not focusing on what you THINK you lack, or trying to be perfect.
You are not happy with yourself perhaps because of how you have been treated since childhood. If you have not had the affirmation, reinforcement and value you seek from those you care about, you start believing that something is wrong with you and you have to act in a certain way to win their approval, instead of accepting who you are. Furthermore, if the relationships you have had as an adult have not reinforced you either, or you have been disappointed in love, that would confirm the low self esteem you have, and make you feel inadequate. It is very hard to be happy with yourself at such times, especially when you see others who seem happier than you, and you feel so imperfect.
When we are unhappy with ourselves, that projects on to others, too. We become unhappy with them as well because we cannot give away what you haven’t got. You have no self-love, so you cannot genuinely love and appreciate anyone else, either, which makes you appear self-focused, selfish and uncaring, because you are seldom likely to appreciate anything or anyone in your life enough. You are always striving for something else to feel good. Yet you cannot be happy unless you start with self-appreciation.
Time to start valuing who you are: your faculties, your blessings, and the people who care for you. These three key tips should be useful:
Start allowing your weaknesses by focusing on your strengths and building those up.
Stop beating yourself up every time you have a disappointment or things don’t go as expected, and view setbacks as a natural part of your learning, growth and development.
Stop focusing on what you might not have and appreciate what you do, and others might be able to appreciate you, too.
The tragedy of not being happy with yourself is that your constant discontent will make others you associate with uneasy around you. No one will ever satisfy you either, because, quite simply, no one can love what you reject, or treat you better than you treat yourself!
Q.Lately I’ve been having depressing thoughts caused by me and my girlfriend splitting up (she dumped me!). We had such a good thing and I just can’t seem to pull myself out of my gloomy state. She’s now got someone else and it drives me insane with jealousy, it really hurts. Another thing that hurts is I’ve been dumped twice this year now. This has destroyed my confidence as both girls went on about how ‘nice’ I am, but still dumped me.
A. I am sorry to hear how you feel because life is such a precious thing which we have to try to enjoy every single day. It is all we have, not a rehearsal for another life, and you do sound miserable. But you are not alone in your feelings. Many people find it difficult to deal with rejection. They think so low of ourselves, they put their whole life in the hands of one person to get ‘happiness’, and when that is withdrawn, the pain of losing it is too much to bear. However, let’s start with some brutal truths, as I cannot help you with pretence.
Read more of this content when you subscribe today.
Are you the type that is constantly finding fault with yourself? Criticising your actions and what you say? Putting yourself down? Never happy with your efforts? That really is the surest way to feel inadequate and inferior. When I wrote my first book I asked a friend to give me her opinion of the manuscript. Without commenting she asked me fearfully, “What if the readers don’t like what you write?”
Quick as a flash i retorted, “Then they can write their own books about the topic!” This was my book, no one else’s, and no one was forced to like it or reject it. Hence I was not going to silence my voice for fear of disapproval.
We worry about what others think and say, and try to fit their expectations, because we of this yearning for perfection, with mainly negative results. The only way to avoid sterile perfectionism that gets us nowhere is to improve our confidence. But this is no easy task when we are governed by our thought patterns, and old habits cling fast.
There are a number of things we can do to boost our confidence, and remove the desire for perfection, but it depends on the level of esteem we already enjoy. If confidence is flagging, one can take remedial steps, but if it is non-existent, or has come under repeated attacks, it will need a greater resolve, and perhaps even counselling, to change it positively. When your confidence needs boosting, two main things are very important:
First: Think Positively.Low self-esteem feeds on negative messages and thoughts, so avoid indulging in constant self-criticism. That’s like waging incessant war on yourself. Acknowledge your weaknesses, yes, but do not dwell on them. It’s your weaknesses, too, that make you unique. Focus on your strengths and build them up. For example, when self-esteem is low, treat yourself to something you definitely enjoy, just as you would do for a friend you value. If you feel lonely and have no regular date, for example, why not ask a friend to accompany you out? One who would make you feel a million dollars, yet respect your wishes. That should gradually build your confidence to find your own date.
Often we don’t feel we deserve to be happy in life, because of constant guilt feelings about being worthy; or to actually admit that we are proud to be alive. Instead we deny ourselves the pleasures we crave, always waiting for tomorrow or worrying about the consequences. But tomorrow might never come, as we might be gone tonight. We also tend to attribute our accomplishments only to ‘luck’. But there is no such thing. When people complimented one woman on how lucky her son was to be a celebrated singer, her reply was always a gracious, “Thanks for saying that. But the most fascinating thing is that the harder he works, the luckier he seems to get!”
Give yourself credit for your own personal achievement. Your successes have been due to preparation, hard work, experience of what is necessary, and, finally, the time and circumstances being appropriate for your efforts to come to fruition. Luck has little to do with it.
Second: Be Proud of YOU. You are unique, the only one like you in all history! So appreciate your identity, your gender, your colour, your name, your customs, your dress, your values, and traditions. If you hide these elements to please others, you will always be undermining what makes you a unique person, while putting others and their values above yourself. This will only keep you feeling insecure, inadequate, and second-best. Yes, you should compromise where you can, but on mutual terms. Otherwise you give a very powerful message of your own low level of self-esteem, fawning desire to please, and little pride in being you. Most important, people cannot respect what you are ashamed of.
Self-appreciation is the start of everything that’s good in our life, the lynchpin to getting what we desire, because it influences how we are perceived. It does not matter what other people do, but if we treat ourselves with love and respect, with daily appreciation for our own value, others are likely to treat us exactly that way, too.
Many people see my constant, happy smile and make instant assumptions about me and my past. However, my childhood was a pretty grim one. In the bad old days, as I call them, I would pass a mirror, momentarily liked what I saw but then suddenly, and inexplicably, would start telling myself that I was ‘crap’, that I ‘hated’ myself and I was ‘pathetic’.
I had buried my traumas deep inside me, refusing to face them and, slowly, they took their toll in continuous self-loathing and low self-esteem. Gradually, and painfully, I learned that I had to sort out my past, face it and move on, and then begin the slow process of self-love. The wonderful result is clear to see now. Subscribe to get access
Read more of this content when you subscribe today.
Then you have a miserable and unhappy life, instead, because there is no such thing as a perfect life where everything is exactly as you desire. It’s not about getting things as you visualise them, but making the most of what you have. It is your choice.
If you are never satisfied with anything you have, that’s a desire for perfection that doesn’t exist, showing an ingratitude for all you are blessed with. You would be a taker instead of a giver because you would have a sense of entitlement which does not sit well with Nature. We are the ones who make ourselves feel happy by either accepting, or constantly resisting, what life gives us. If you are always dissatisfied, that is YOUR choice, and every choice carries consequences, whether good or bad.
It really depends on how you CHOOSE to live your life, whether in joy or in sorrow. Some people cannot bear to be happy because victimhood gives them the attention of others and keeps them feeling significant. But anything that is carried on and on, relentlessly, soon loses its attraction. Hence if you choose to be miserable because you are never satisfied with anything, you will find that people avoid you, too, because no one likes a constant misery guts, or one who just keeps complaining all the time, and never seems happy with anything. You would not have anything positive to offer others, and they will gradually find it a hassle trying to make you happy, because each of us seeks some motivation and encouragement from the people around us. If you give nothing, you are likely to get nothing back.
Someone who is never satisfied with anything is a taker. One who EXPECTS without giving anything back. In fact, while you are busy being dissatisfied with whatever you are given, you are not thinking about anyone else. Being dissatisfied is easy. It tajes no grace, gratitude or talent. Accepting life as it is, and using it to our best advantage, is much harder, but far more motivating, satisfying and rewarding.
This situation is normal for some people, especially those of low self-esteem and lack of confidence. It is likely to come about for the following two reasons:
In your teens, you did not have all the EXPERIENCE of life and responsibilities you have now. You were carefree then, allowed to develop to suit your personality and dreams. However, what is likely to have happened is that you got a few disappointments since then, knock-backs, obstacles you thought you could overcome, but didn’t, which would have dented the confidence and the certainty you had about life. You have gradually discovered that you didn’t know all the answers, and your trust has been lost in some people, which have made you doubt yourself and a lot of what you believed. In the process, your sense of invincibility has been crushed and you started comparing yourself to others who have appeared more worthy, the more disappointed you feel.
The effect of all that is most noticeable on your self-efficacy and feeling of competence. It has nosedived so that everyone now appears better than you are. You are also focused on your weaknesses instead of the strengths you nurtured and enjoyed when you were a teen, being blind to the goodness and talents within you. Your setbacks have been blown up to look like immovable mountains instead of just taking them in your stride, bouncing back, and carrying on with your life, more knowledgeable and resilient. You don’t trust your judgements or beliefs any more, so, IN YOUR EYES, you are just a plodder who is worse than anyone else. However, people cannot treat you better than you treat yourself, and you need to give yourself some slack, acknowledge and accept that no one is perfect, that BOTH good and bad are part of our lives, and MOVE ON, more competent and confident than before.
You need to allow your mistakes, allow your bad days, remember how optimistic and smart you were when you were younger, and recapture those times. Forget the disappointing experiences and remind yourself that everything is only ever TEMPORARY. Nothing lasts forever, so to use your past negative experiences to control your actions and thoughts will only deprive you of an enjoyable, productive and satisfying future.
Life is a journey of ups and downs. Don’t make it into a dead end to suit your fears and disappointments. Only you can change your current state through ditching the negative thoughts, the comparison with your old self, and the need to be perfect. Begin the process of LIVING instead of just existing in a void controlled by your past. No one else can do it for you.
Remind yourself, DAILY, of the awesome person you are. The only difference has been your experience, which should be used to enhance you, not make you feel worse. Moreover, you cannot compare yesterday with today because you would have changed in age and experience in the meantime. Ditch the need for perfection, accept yourself as you are. Keep out of the past and appreciate your life NOW, as well as your loved ones, and go for it!
(NOTE: Paid subscribers, or significant Donors, can have their questions answered publicly. A private service is available separately.)
We all have some kind of insecurity in our lives, but when it dogs our footsteps and even overwhelms us, it becomes unbearable and tends to paralyse our actions. Insecurity affects us when we have very low confidence, and are unsure of ourselves. So what is the biggest giveaway that we’re insecure?
Lessons in Life Blog 