Problem Point: Why Do Some Men Cheat? 

Image by Tumisu

Question: Elaine, why do some men cheat when they have a good woman? Are they never satisfied with what they have?

Answer. Obviously, we know that women cheat, too. But as the question refers to men personally, and statistics prove they are the main culprit in this action, they will be dealt with here.

First, people cheat for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it is simply because they can do it, or the opportunity is available. But cheating is done primarily by three types of men: 

a. those with low self-esteem

b. those who are unhappy at home and 

c. those who are afraid of commitment and are seeking ‘fun’.

Low Self Esteem,
Cheating tends to be done by men with mixed, conflicting, or weak values. They are not firm in their commitment or in their identity of themselves, neither are they sure of what they really want in life. They tend to have low self-esteem and a lack of trust in others. No matter how ‘good’ or faithful the partner is, having one woman is seldom enough. In their eyes, there is always someone better outside. Perhaps being deprived of expressive love when they were younger, particularly from their mothers, there is always a doubt in their minds as to how worthy they are to women. Add to that, the competitive nature of their world, where they are always trying to impress their peers, and the usual answer is also to try to impress as many women as they can to uplift their feelings of self-worth, regardless of the quality of life at home. But that merely causes heartache for the chosen women, while reinforcing the men’s low self-esteem as ‘bad’ guys or ‘bastards’ in a never-ending circle.

The serial philanderer is marked by a strong desire to ‘prove’ something, though he is not quite sure what that is. However, it is usually about his virility, control of women, or ability to attract women. Men who go from one woman to another are also the worst at having that done to them, always feeling indignant at their women daring to fancy someone else because that is all part of what they are trying to prove, that they are the best lovers. Yet they are likely to be very poor lovers because it is always about them, no one else, and so they tend to take instead, finding it very difficult to truly give of themselves.

Image by Sam Williams 

Unhappy Men
Married men, and those in long term relationships, cheat mainly because they believe that having a short-term affair will temporarily resolve any problems they have at home and prevent them from ‘hurting’ anyone long term. The fact that their partner is already being hurt by their lack of attention and affection – and being prevented from finding love, too – does not seem to come into the picture. There are three problems with this approach. 

First, it stops the major conflicts in the relationship being acknowledged, explored and addressed. Second, it makes the situation worse because any liaison only proves starkly what is already missing at home, especially sexually. Third, it deliberately ignores the fact that the man is taking his affections elsewhere which begs the question: How does giving one’s self to someone else shows love and affection for the person left at home and, above all, accord her due respect for her love and support?

Finally, men in unhappy relationships stray through a conflict of perception. What their women perceive that men want from them might not be necessarily what those men actually desire, and women seldom seek to find out because they are afraid of the answers! So after the honeymoon period is over, when their heartfelt desires haven’t been fulfilled, spouses soon seek it elsewhere. In the meantime the women who are affected turn on the men and blame them for their ‘bad’ behaviour instead of looking into themselves to see where they have missed a connection and, at worse, getting out of their demoralising situation. 

It is always easier to vilify others because it stops us looking at ourselves, but women aren’t tied to philandering men. They can actually make a life for themselves on their terms by CHOOSING to act differently. Each person is responsible for their lives. It is fear which keeps them stuck while they wait in vain for the men to change.

Fearing Commitment
The next major group of ‘cheating’ men are the ones who fear commitment. They want a ‘secure’ home, with all the trimmings, one they can return to at the end of the day, but they do not like to perceive themselves as ‘married’ or long-term partners, stuck to one person. They like to keep their options open and so they seek ‘fun’, which carries the implication that marriage, or being in a relationship, is ‘serious’ business so one has to get the fun outside! They miss the supreme irony that if they are in a really great relationship, it would be automatic in fun and enjoyment because any relationship is supposed to make them happy. Not make them feel so terrible that they need to have ‘fun’ elsewhere. This category also contains ageing men who are worried about getting older and believe that starting again with someone else, usually someone younger, will give them a new lease of life and make them feel better, while they preserve the status quo at home to ensure the benefits from both sides.

Image by Victoria Model

Women as ‘Victims’
I believe women also condone such cheating by their behaviour in sustaining it through fear of the consequences of their own reaction, and the pay-off they get from having the men with them. Women who put up with such soul-destroying behaviour by constantly ‘forgiving’ the offenders, have no self-love or respect either. They are prepared to forgive for their own benefit, too. There is always some pay-off for doing that, otherwise they would not be living in denial hoping the men will change, when only self-change guarantees real alteration in such situations. 

Many times it is also to ‘punish’ the men for their actions, but they only end up punishing themselves through ongoing bitterness, resentment and pain, while becoming less attractive in the process! Negativity only destroys, it doesn’t build anything. So if your man is a serial philanderer, you really are only hurting yourself and need to get out of there. Everyone is entitled to a second chance. But if he is on his third affair, he has had two chances too many, and will merely continue doing it because your continued acceptance teaches him that he can get away with it.

Women in these situations usually believe that they ‘love’ the men who perpetuate such gross disrespect to them, and they are loved in return. But it has nothing to do with love. Love does not seek to hurt. Love appreciates, is unconditional, and at its heart is respect for the individual. Where there is no respect for a person and their feelings, there is no love. And wherever someone will continually put up with something that is detrimental to him/herself, while they keep blaming another for their predicament, you will find firm evidence of the absence of their own self-love and respect. 

There will also be the deep-seated belief that they do not deserve anything better. They are likely to believe that their man, as ‘bad’ as he is, will be the only one to love them. And so they stay put, trying to ‘love’ their partner, while dying inside from exclusion, hurt and neglect. Yet only they have the power to change their situation by seeing it for what it really is: simple, relentless emotional abuse which will damage them in the end.

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Today’s Thought: The First Law of Living!

The best quality of life comes from one simple but powerful ingredient: self-love. This one element has a knock-on effect on so many other things like happiness, contentment, positivity, and achievement, to begin with. When we love ourselves, we give permission for others to love us too, to appreciate our strengths and weaknesses, and to enhance that sense of worth and significance we all seek.

Self-love is crucial because it leads to a love of our bodies and talents. It also frees us to stop focusing upon what we lack, while we accept ourselves as the beautiful and wondrous beings we are. When we love ourselves we are likely to nurture our bodies, to be proud of who we are and to nurture others, too, for who they are.

How much do you value and appreciate yourself?

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Personal Dilemma: Can A Couple Fall In Love With Each Other Again?

Photo by Dương Hữu

Relationships often go stale and dull when couples settle into complacency, especially if they last a long time. The burden of keeping a home, looking after children who demand constant attention, while holding down a job, can rob the partnership of its freshness, vibrancy and excitement.

In Britain at least 34% of divorces involve children under 5! That’s a very sad statistic mainly because parents are not aware of how to blend a new child with their romance. They focus almost exclusively on the newborn (women mainly) while unintentionally excluding themselves from their partners. Soon enough, romance is killed or put on hold, one parent (mainly men) begins to feel resentful at the lack of attention and might look outside for comfort. Separation or divorce is not far off! So children can actually destroy relationships, if parents aren’t careful.

However, the main problem with many relationships is that couples soon begin to take each other for granted. They stop affirming and reinforcing each other and start being mean and critical instead. They gradually lose all the things they did when they were dating because they feel more secure with the partner in the bag. Many don’t bother to celebrate their partners anymore and, gradually, things go down the drain. But that does not have to happen, if there is real love in the relationship.

The following suggestions to rekindle romance should be of some value.

1. Tell each other ‘I love you’ as often as possible. It is the greatest compliment to tell a partner how we honestly feel, but some people do not believe in expressing genuine feelings to their loved ones. Many believe it is ‘unnatural’ or they could be ‘overdoing’ it. Yet there is no law against having positive feelings and telling someone about them regularly. The most loving things are done spontaneously, and as often as we feel the need to do them, not according to particular schedules. It could also be the last thing they hear from you!

2. Praise and appreciate each other. As relationships last longer, appreciation tends to gradually decline. We begin to become meanspirited with praise and gratitude, because we come to see every action as automatic. Yet praising someone’s efforts, no matter how small, helps to REINFORCE them, to value them and leaves little room for neglect.

3. Leave love notes around the home for them in unexpected places. There is nothing more endearing than loving surprises, especially when one least expects them. Leaving little messages of love, sending spontaneous texts, or just taking time out of a busy day to call to say ‘I’m thinking of you’ would really make that person feel special.

Photo by Aaron Burden

4. Establish routines for young children: Put them to bed at a set time each day. That should allow you both time together when they are in bed. Try not to take them with you to ‘adult’ gatherings. That should give you more time to enjoy each other’s company, especially with other adults. Most important, try to go out at least twice each month (wining, dining, cinema, concert, dancing etc). These allow you both quality time together doing something lighthearted, while giving you time away from the children. In this way, you will always have some time for yourselves, and quality time for your children.

5. Walk hand in hand when outdoors. Whatever you are doing, do it lovingly, especially walking together. Hug, hold hands, kiss his face now and then, kiss her hand, demonstrate that love to the world. Walking hand in hand gives a wonderful feeling of belonging, togetherness and joy. It encourages closeness while communicating or enjoying activities together. Moreover, on a practical level, regular walking keeps the weight down and encourages a more healthier lifestyle. These public actions might be restricted by cultural conformity, depending on where you reside.

6. Highlight the difference you’ve made to each other. This is a very important aspect, to AFFIRM someone and to let them know, constantly, how their presence has changed your life. We become different people the minute we meet someone because we are happier, more joyful, more purposeful and far more loving. When things go sour, we tend to forget those early magical moments. But being with someone new, who really gives us butterflies and adds meaning to our existence, is always a life enhancing experience.

7. Spend a whole weekend in bed making love, chatting and affirming. Having a healthy sex life is crucial to communication, to keeping the relationship vibrant and partners together. Yet this is the part that really gets thrown by the wayside, especially when kids are on the scene. Forget the chores and everything else. Book a room in a hotel, if possible, and allow yourselves to be pampered. This would be a poignant reminder of why you came together in the first place: to love each other, not just to have a family or keep a house.

Dating and romancing shouldn’t stop when the two people marry or settle together. That is the time the real dating should begin to keep that romance fire burning brightly for a long time to come. It could save a lot of unexpected heartache and loneliness down the line.

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The Fitness Booster: See NEW Motivational Tips on Boosting Confidence & Happiness!

Do you tend to feel shy, afraid, and anxious? Sometimes life can feel overwhelming, especially when you have disappointments, or things are not going as expected.

• Do you dislike your reflection when you look in the mirror?

• Always finding fault with yourself, with what you say, and your actions?

• Is there something you would love to do but feel afraid of doing it, because you fear failure and messing it up, which is more overwhelming than the possible gains?

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If you don’t feel confident about yourself, achieving your dreams or having great relationships, and could do with a boost in your self-esteem, The Fitness Booster Newsletter is just for you! It complements this blog, and covers a wide range of mental health and emotional health issues, giving useful tips on what to say in tricky circumstances and how to execute routine actions in a confident, winning way.

SUBSCRIBE FREE TODAY on Substack for regular posts and podcasts on improving your self-assurance and feeling more worthy and competent in your activities.

How Do Words Impact Our Lives?

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Personally, I think most of us don’t fully understand the true power and impact that words have on us, otherwise we might be more wary of what we say!

Language defines us, reveals us and demonstrates our routine priorities. For example, the word ‘bored’ never comes into my vocabulary because I simply have too much to do to have time for that. Thus anyone using that word is saying a lot about how they FEEL about their time, and the inability to engage their talents to productive use. That also applies to any other word.

The words we use are also not accidental. We CHOOSE the words we feel most comfortable with according to our culture, treatment, identity, awareness, relevance, education and aspirations. For example, if we find it easier to use negative words than positive ones, they point to low self-belief, lack of confidence in ourselves, and a feeling of impotence.

Importantly, words come out of thoughts, so we cannot avoid certain words until we change our mindset and thought processes. Changing how we think also changes our perceptions and enable different words to come to the fore. However, as words reflect our beliefs about ourselves, changing them is not an easy thing to do until those beliefs are changed, too.

Our words are the most accurate indication of who we are and our true values, and have strong impact on our existence. That is why when people use certain derogatory words, and then deny them with defensive explanations like: “That’s not really me”, they are not being truthful. Those words would represent who they are, and the fears and prejudices they hold. As their circle or society might not condone what they say, it loses them friends, face and credibility, which prompts them to retract. However, we seldom use words we are not comfortable with, unless we are brainwashed by others.

Words are the only tools we have to indicate how others perceive us, and value us. Hence their impact, when used positively, or without empathy, can have a effect very powerful on others

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The Fitness Booster: Understanding Happiness- See NEW Motivational Tips!

Do you tend to feel shy, afraid, and anxious? Sometimes life can feel overwhelming, especially when you have disappointments, or things are not going as expected.

• Do you dislike your reflection when you look in the mirror?

• Always finding fault with yourself, with what you say, and your actions?

• Is there something you would love to do but feel afraid of doing it, because you fear failure and messing it up, which is more overwhelming than the possible gains?

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS WEEK’S TOPICS

If you don’t feel confident about yourself, achieving your dreams or having great relationships, and could do with a boost in your self-esteem, The Fitness Booster Newsletter is just for you! It complements this blog, and covers a wide range of mental health and emotional health issues, giving useful tips on what to say in tricky circumstances and how to execute routine actions in a confident, winning way.

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PREMIUM: 10 Tell-Tale Signs Of Low Self-Esteem

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Many people are not aware that they might have low self-esteem which could be hampering their desires and progress, because they lack awareness of the root causes of their mental and emotional health. But low self-esteem manifests itself in many ways, some of which are often suppressed by other aspects. However, the most significant ones are the following, in order of importance, and their ability to cause blockages, recurring unease, and even emotional damage:

  1. Guilt. The other side of this emotion is shame, which is usually associated with less confident people. Guilt tends to emerge from a feeling of impotence, especially regarding the inability to change a particular situation; and of not living up to the expectations of those who matter to us most. Extremes of guilt often show themselves as self-torture, seeing personal actions as unforgivable, imperfections as permanent, and believing improvement is impossible. Guilt is especially pronounced when there is hurt and betrayal in relationships, and in grieving for loved ones.

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The Fitness Booster: What Causes Unhappiness? See NEW Motivational Tips!

Do you tend to feel shy, afraid, and anxious? Sometimes life can feel overwhelming, especially when you have disappointments, or things are not going as expected.

• Do you dislike your reflection when you look in the mirror?

• Always finding fault with yourself, with what you say, and your actions?

• Is there something you would love to do but feel afraid of doing it, because you fear failure and messing it up, which is more overwhelming than the possible gains?

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS WEEK’S TOPICS

If you don’t feel confident about yourself, achieving your dreams or having great relationships, and could do with a boost in your self-esteem, The Fitness Booster Newsletter is just for you! It complements this blog, and covers a wide range of mental health and emotional health issues, giving useful tips on what to say in tricky circumstances and how to execute routine actions in a confident, winning way.

SUBSCRIBE FREE TODAY on Substack for regular posts and podcasts on improving your self-assurance and feeling more worthy and competent in your activities.

The Fitness Booster: Do You Tend to Make Poor Choices? See NEW Motivational Tips!

Do you tend to feel shy, afraid, and anxious? Sometimes life can feel overwhelming, especially when you have disappointments, or things are not going as expected.

• Do you dislike your reflection when you look in the mirror?

• Always finding fault with yourself, with what you say, and your actions?

• Is there something you would love to do but feel afraid of doing it, because you fear failure and messing it up, which is more overwhelming than the possible gains?

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS WEEK’S TOPICS

If you don’t feel confident about yourself, achieving your dreams or having great relationships, and could do with a boost in your self-esteem, The Fitness Booster Newsletter is just for you! It complements this blog, and covers a wide range of mental health and emotional health issues, giving useful tips on what to say in tricky circumstances and how to execute routine actions in a confident, winning way.

SUBSCRIBE FREE TODAY on Substack for regular posts and podcasts on improving your self-assurance and feeling more worthy and competent in your activities.

Where Is The REAL World?

Photo by Saketh Garuda

How often have you heard the statement, “Welcome to the Real World” or “Get real!”, especially from someone trying to change your view of life?

No matter how well intended to shock, or to show you ‘reality’, there is no such thing as the ‘real world’. The world will always remain how YOU see it, no matter how it is seen by others, until you choose to change it. If you take away all the bricks and mortar which clearly represents our tangible, physical world, there is no other ‘real world’ for us to see. The reason for that is very simple. The only world we have exists inside our head and is determined by our emotions. Nowhere else. We alone make the world we live in, which explains why we each react differently to that world. That is two people will seldom  ever see the same world or experience the same reality. There is a key reason for this and it is called PERCEPTION. What we perceive, we are.

Our individual world comes out of our cultural, gender, race, class, religious and social experience unique to us. If you were raised, for example, as an Amish girl in America, devoid of material things, and you never ever experienced the outside world in any form, your world – what you perceive it to be – will be vastly different from another girl who grew up in Manhattan in the midst of all the latest innovations and technology. That Amish girl, who was used to a life based on hand=me-down simplicity would find it hard to believe that such a technological world exists until it is physically proven to her.

Again, if you grew up under the shadow of Big Ben in London, UK where guns are banned and people cannot use guns to defend themselves, you will actually feel strange, even vulnerable, if you are from America, where guns are allowed and having to live in London without a gun to ‘protect’ you.

Different Beliefs
Thirdly, if you are religious and believe in God, your ‘real world’ would be quite different from that of someone who does not believe in God and cannot be convinced of such. They cannot see what you see unless they genuinely wish to, and change their beliefs to match it. Whatever we are brought up to experience, to value and to cherish, becomes the essential core of the world that we see, which is why it is so difficult to change the hearts and minds of religious fundamentalists, racists, sexists and other fanatics who genuinely believe they are right to impose their version of ‘the truth’, because they have not been exposed to the ‘world’ or ‘truth’ of others.

Our individual perceptions of what the world should be owes nothing to a generalised reality we all share. In fact, we share nothing with anyone else except our humanity. Everything else about us is learned or as Nature intended. All the social and cultural clothing we wear define our world, which is what makes agreement, negotiation or even having a relationship with someone so difficult to do. We are all operating in different worlds which shape our perception, ones that are difficult for others to access.

The bottom line is that you cannot make someone else see your point of view if they have never experienced it before, unless they wish to open their minds and learn more, because it would be alien to them. What you are saying would have no meaning and therefore be irrelevant to their needs.

Next time you are tempted to tell someone “Get Real” or “Welcome to the real world”, meaning yours, just remember that they might look at your ‘real world’ but they cannot enter it. To do so would mean giving up what they value and cherish to accommodate what you cherish. In effect, they would be leaving their own heads to go inside of yours and that is near impossible. They already have a ‘real’ world for themselves, whether we like it or not .. and it’s mainly theirs!

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The Fitness Booster: See NEW Motivational Tips!

Do you tend to feel shy, afraid, and anxious? Sometimes life can feel overwhelming, especially when you have disappointments, or things are not going as expected.

• Do you dislike your reflection when you look in the mirror?

• Always finding fault with yourself, with what you say, and your actions?

• Is there something you would love to do but feel afraid of doing it, because you fear failure and messing it up, which is more overwhelming than the possible gains?

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS WEEK’S TOPICS

If you don’t feel confident about yourself, achieving your dreams or having great relationships, and could do with a boost in your self-esteem, The Fitness Booster Newsletter is just for you! It complements this blog, and covers a wide range of mental health and emotional health issues, giving useful tips on what to say in tricky circumstances and how to execute routine actions in a confident, winning way.

SUBSCRIBE FREE TODAY on Substack for regular posts and podcasts on improving your self-assurance and feeling more worthy and competent in your activities.

Is Real Beauty on The Outside or Inside of Us?

Image by Nathanel Love

This is a question that has occupied everyone since the dawn of time. Most people will immediately say yes, it does’, as external beauty is superficial. But this is not quite true as all facets of a person should be taken into account. After all, how do you get to appreciate what is inside that person, the real personality, if you don’t really like what’s outside? 

Thus anyone who says that external beauty doesn’t matter is likely to be lying. If they are not, the statement has an association with how they view themselves and their own experience. It suggests they do not consider themselves to be any great ‘beauty’ so they are hoping people will ignore their physicality to concentrate on the inner person. But there is some conflict with this approach.

First, until we open our mouths and speak, nature has only one way of bringing people together: their looks. Thus the whole process starts with whether someone’s physical appearance appeals to us in any way for us to take it further and discover more about them. Then it moves to voice, then personality and finally the whole person. Yes, we have to have that inner beauty of warmth, compassion and care. But we cannot know anything about someone’s inner beauty until we make physical contact and it is the OUTER beauty that decides the fate of the connection before anything else. So, when someone says that looks don’t matter and it is only the inner being that should count, they might as well date a horse, because for them, only what’s inside that matters!

Men, in particular, tend to go for looks first. Do they miss the right partners because of that? Or is it impossible to see anything other than what is presented externally until we know that person very well? That could be why some insecure people move from one ‘trophy’ partner to another. All they see is the outward appearance: the perceived beauty, but not the brains, moods or emotional hang-ups. Yet it takes other important personal qualities for the two people to be compatible. An absence of other inner attributes like empathy, warmth and care, might be fine in the short term but usually spells long-term disaster.

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