Do you tend to feel shy, afraid, and anxious? Sometimes life can feel overwhelming, especially when you have disappointments, or things are not going as expected.
• Are you feeling some frustration with life just now?
• Always finding fault with yourself, with what you say, and your actions?
• Is there something you would love to do but feel afraid of doing it, because you fear failure and messing it up, which is more overwhelming than the possible gains?
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One of the most common arguments in any relationship is always centred around the notion of FAIR SHARES: Some people come to the partnership believing that, as long as they do their ‘half’, their ‘bit’ or their ‘fair share’ all will be well. However, our perception of a genuine ‘half’ can be someone else’s idea of 10 per cent – a discrepancy which causes the most disagreement in thr home. There is no such thing as a successful long-term relationship where each partner gives only a personal interpretation of their half. The inevitable truth is that, after a while, the differing perceptions of sharing will result in cries of “Selfish!” or “Unfair!”
What is genuinely fair is usually decided between both parties in advance of living together, or soon after moving in with each other. True halves have to be negotiated to become the couple’s reality. Better to come to the union expecting to give 100 percent and find that much less is taken from you, than prepare to give 50 per cent, only to have it regarded as insufficient! If you know that your partner is contributing more than their perceived ‘fair share’, it’s easier for you to do the same, too. But often, not every contribution can be measured.
Many people, particularly older ones who have been married for a while, tend to take their partners for granted. They also believe there is nothing new for them to learn about life or love. But if we have not been taught how to communicate and resolve problems, it is always useful to learn. Most parents are not able to teach their children the skills for handling difficult times or getting on with others satisfactorily, yet those skills are essential for keeping romance from dying in relationships, especially on days when the children are upset, money is tight as the debts pile up, and the job is boring or demoralising. In these times of difficulty, fair shares become blurred, as they do not always conform to expectations.
For example, one partner can ask the other to help with housework, and if they do not like to do it that task will be done in a grudging way, resentfully, without too much enjoyment. However, a fairer approach could be identifying the strengths on both sides and everyone choosing according to their skills. For example, my ex and I agreed that he would attend to structural things in the home, and look after the garden (I didn’t like gardening!) and I preferred to care for inside the home, while we share the children’s care, as required, and appropriate. It worked very well for over 25 years!
Developing and reviewing our coping skills so that we treat partners fairly, is important for keeping the relationship alive over a long time. Some of the key skills required in these situations include: building self-esteem, understanding and supporting your partner, regular communication, creating ground rules to avoid conflict, a willingness to compromise and keeping the love fire burning. Taking action in your own self-education, while including your partner in the process, will allow you both to benefit from a successful relationship, one where ‘fair shares’ is not just a personal perception, but an actual reality.
BEFORE YOU GO…..
Did you find this post useful? Learnt something new today?
Q. I’m an 18 year old guy who shouldn’t be feeling like this. Plus I hang out with friends who always get in fights and they sometimes drag me in it. Can I avoid the constant drama?
A. Sounds like you are easily influenced because of your need for approval. You can only be stronger by building your own confidence. You obviously have a lot of fear in your life through a lack of affirmation and value from those you care about. Yet only learning to love and value yourself will give you the gradual strength you need to face the world.
The first thing you could do is to change your friends. Friends who are always fighting or dragging you into it, especially when you don’t really want to, will do nothing for you. Strength isn’t about fighting. That merely shows a lack of coping skills that is replaced by aggression. Strength is about confidence, high self-esteem, personal appreciation and living to your own values.
You feel weak because you really don’t want to fight and are living against your values. You need the confidence to stick by your own principles, not just follow what others do in a blind, accepting kind of way. You will feel much better for it, too, when you start hanging out with people who share your aspirations, beliefs and principles, as you will feel reinforced and affirmed as a person.
In answer to your question, you are afraid of drama because that is against your nature, yet you are hanging out with people who are only interested in drama. That would create continual dissonance for you: always making you feel stressed and inadequate because you are not being affirmed in your beliefs and whom you wish to be. Time to change your crowd and find people who share your world and hopes. You will start to feel much better about who you are and what you care about.
We all have a feeling of wanting to BELONG, to be included and valued by others. Your wish to belong is drawing you towards the wrong kind of people for you which does nothing for your self- esteem because they don’t reflect how you really feel. I think once you change your friends – perhaps by joining clubs and societies that you like – you are likely to find that you feel much better within yourself and far less troubled about your life.
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