expectation | Lessons in Life Blog

This question was asked of me, when I said I was unique, by someone who argued that we were all the same because of his past hurt and distrust. This was my answer to him.

Personally, I don’t know what ‘most people’ are like, because the few people I will meet in my lifetime are all unique human beings, each with their individuality, especially if we allow that person to show him/herself to us. Each of us is different in some way and will range on a continuum of behaviour: for example, from very kind and caring to cruel and abusing.

Furthermore, there are over 7 billion of us on the planet. Have you met all of them to know what they are like, and for you to be wary of them being one type or the other? And what, exactly, would I be proving that I’m not? Your desire for people to prove themselves to you has its roots in the FEAR of being hurt again, which then stereotypes others into what they are ASSUMED to be, to make you feel comfortable. Lumping them all together like clones for the benefit of your fears.

When you expect people to ‘prove’ themselves, you are assuming that everyone is alike. You are assigning your hurt by proxy so that everyone is blamed for it. Of course, as all you give off is negativity and disrespect to others with that attitude, people will steer clear of you, or act exactly in the negative way you expect which keeps turning into self-fulling prophecies. That’s a sad and isolated way to live, and it doesn’t make you a very attractive person either, because fear is very paralysing and debilitating.

However, your fear, your search for perfection, living in the past rehashing old pain, and desire to seek approval, have led to your distrust of others, so that unless they act exactly as you expect, you are not interested, because you believe they wouldn’t deserve your friendship. It becomes conditional upon how much they act to please you, or to make you feel comfortable.

But life is not like that. We have to take the rough with the smooth every single day as no one promised us only good things in life. Every hurt shapes us even more to handle the future better. All we need to do is learn the lessons, act how we would like someone else to treat us, trust ourselves and others to make the right friends we desire, and that should attract them to us.

We have all been hurt by someone. But remembering that everyone is a unique person will ensure that every new day allows us to forget the pain, start again, chalk it up to experience, learn from it, and continue on our way, more hopeful, resilient, determined and an even better person for it. In effect, to get over it and move on, expecting to find someone even better on our journey.

As the writer, James Allen, once said: “People don’t attract what they seek. They attract who they are!” In other words, be kind, be trusting, be nice and caring to people, and you’ll attract the same in others by your actions!

When it comes to relationships, the only people who are hard to please are those who have no self-love, who are TAKERS rather than GIVERS, who expect other people to provide everything they lack, including love, then blame them when anything does not match up. They live in a carefully constructed world of perfection, where there is no compromise, so no one will come up to their impossible standards. Of course, as no one in this world is perfect, they are not likely to get what they seek.

The hallmark of the perfectionist seeking a relationship is that they tend to focus on others instead of themselves. They are so busy noticing what potential suitors lack, they forget about their own imperfections and the fact that the other person would not be getting everything they seek, either. In this way, people dance around each other, seldom getting what they want, always finding fault and noticing what’s lacking, instead of making use of the positive attributes; having very little love to give, but expecting a lot from others, and wanting that perfect relationship when they do not have the capacity to build it.

After my divorce, when I met my current boyfriend, one of my requirements was that he liked dancing, because I love it and have always done it. He didn’t dance, didn’t like it, but was willing to do it for my sake, he said. I wasn’t happy with that, as he should do things for himself, not just to please others. Gradually I let go off that expectation as I realised that he might not dance, but he had other great attributes that I liked, and he didn’t get everything he desired from me either. The result is that we’ve been together for seven years, and counting, in an awesome relationship.

We really need to keep reminding ourselves that every human being has strengths and weaknesses. When we fall in love, we accept those two elements without question. We cannot isolate the strengths and wish away the weaknesses to get that perfect partner. They come as a package and the best relationships are created on the foundations of balance in our partners, not hoping a partner will change into a perfect being later down the line. That expectation would bring a lot of disappointment, and ultimately resentment, as the relationship develops.

The most successful relationships work when each party accepts the other as he/she is, warts and all, not what we wish them to be, to make them over to suit us, or to bring expectations of perfection to the interaction. We all have flaws and the best thing for new relationships is for each person to work out what really makes them motivated and happy, and try to focus on those elements in their relationship. If both parties are getting what makes them feel good, in a natural unforced way, that’s a great beginning. In this way, they will accept that they can’t have everything from any one person as they, too, will never completely satisfy another. But by seeking the things that really matter to them, and compromising on the lesser elements, they can find someone to suit them, instead of living a lonely life of impossible expectations without fulfilment.