Problem Point: Why Do Some Men Cheat?

Posted on 15/11/2022 by mscyprah

Question: Elaine, why do some men cheat when they have a good woman? Are they never satisfied with what they have?

Answer. Obviously, we know that women cheat, too. But as the question refers to men personally, and statistics prove they are the main culprit in this action, they will be dealt with here.

First, people cheat for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it is simply because they can do it, or the opportunity is available. But cheating is done primarily by three types of men:

a. those with low self-esteem

b. those who are unhappy at home and

c. those who are afraid of commitment and are seeking ‘fun’.

Low Self Esteem,
Cheating tends to be done by men with mixed, conflicting, or weak values. They are not firm in their commitment or in their identity of themselves, neither are they sure of what they really want in life. They tend to have low self-esteem and a lack of trust in others. No matter how ‘good’ or faithful the partner is, having one woman is seldom enough. In their eyes, there is always someone better outside. Perhaps being deprived of expressive love when they were younger, particularly from their mothers, there is always a doubt in their minds as to how worthy they are to women. Add to that, the competitive nature of their world, where they are always trying to impress their peers, and the usual answer is also to try to impress as many women as they can to uplift their feelings of self-worth, regardless of the quality of life at home. But that merely causes heartache for the chosen women, while reinforcing the men’s low self-esteem as ‘bad’ guys or ‘bastards’ in a never-ending circle.

The serial philanderer is marked by a strong desire to ‘prove’ something, though he is not quite sure what that is. However, it is usually about his virility, control of women, or ability to attract women. Men who go from one woman to another are also the worst at having that done to them, always feeling indignant at their women daring to fancy someone else because that is all part of what they are trying to prove, that they are the best lovers. Yet they are likely to be very poor lovers because it is always about them, no one else, and so they tend to take instead, finding it very difficult to truly give of themselves.

Unhappy Men
Married men, and those in long term relationships, cheat mainly because they believe that having a short-term affair will temporarily resolve any problems they have at home and prevent them from ‘hurting’ anyone long term. The fact that their partner is already being hurt by their lack of attention and affection – and being prevented from finding love, too – does not seem to come into the picture. There are three problems with this approach.

First, it stops the major conflicts in the relationship being acknowledged, explored and addressed. Second, it makes the situation worse because any liaison only proves starkly what is already missing at home, especially sexually. Third, it deliberately ignores the fact that the man is taking his affections elsewhere which begs the question: How does giving one’s self to someone else shows love and affection for the person left at home and, above all, accord her due respect for her love and support?

Finally, men in unhappy relationships stray through a conflict of perception. What their women perceive that men want from them might not be necessarily what those men actually desire, and women seldom seek to find out because they are afraid of the answers! So after the honeymoon period is over, when their heartfelt desires haven’t been fulfilled, spouses soon seek it elsewhere. In the meantime the women who are affected turn on the men and blame them for their ‘bad’ behaviour instead of looking into themselves to see where they have missed a connection and, at worse, getting out of their demoralising situation.

It is always easier to vilify others because it stops us looking at ourselves, but women aren’t tied to philandering men. They can actually make a life for themselves on their terms by CHOOSING to act differently. Each person is responsible for their lives. It is fear which keeps them stuck while they wait in vain for the men to change.

Fearing Commitment
The next major group of ‘cheating’ men are the ones who fear commitment. They want a ‘secure’ home, with all the trimmings, one they can return to at the end of the day, but they do not like to perceive themselves as ‘married’ or long-term partners, stuck to one person. They like to keep their options open and so they seek ‘fun’, which carries the implication that marriage, or being in a relationship, is ‘serious’ business so one has to get the fun outside! They miss the supreme irony that if they are in a really great relationship, it would be automatic in fun and enjoyment because any relationship is supposed to make them happy. Not make them feel so terrible that they need to have ‘fun’ elsewhere. This category also contains ageing men who are worried about getting older and believe that starting again with someone else, usually someone younger, will give them a new lease of life and make them feel better, while they preserve the status quo at home to ensure the benefits from both sides.

Women as ‘Victims’
I believe women also condone such cheating by their behaviour in sustaining it through fear of the consequences of their own reaction, and the pay-off they get from having the men with them. Women who put up with such soul-destroying behaviour by constantly ‘forgiving’ the offenders, have no self-love or respect either. They are prepared to forgive for their own benefit, too. There is always some pay-off for doing that, otherwise they would not be living in denial hoping the men will change, when only self-change guarantees real alteration in such situations.

Many times it is also to ‘punish’ the men for their actions, but they only end up punishing themselves through ongoing bitterness, resentment and pain, while becoming less attractive in the process! Negativity only destroys, it doesn’t build anything. So if your man is a serial philanderer, you really are only hurting yourself and need to get out of there. Everyone is entitled to a second chance. But if he is on his third affair, he has had two chances too many, and will merely continue doing it because your continued acceptance teaches him that he can get away with it.

Women in these situations usually believe that they ‘love’ the men who perpetuate such gross disrespect to them, and they are loved in return. But it has nothing to do with love. Love does not seek to hurt. Love appreciates, is unconditional, and at its heart is respect for the individual. Where there is no respect for a person and their feelings, there is no love. And wherever someone will continually put up with something that is detrimental to him/herself, while they keep blaming another for their predicament, you will find firm evidence of the absence of their own self-love and respect.

There will also be the deep-seated belief that they do not deserve anything better. They are likely to believe that their man, as ‘bad’ as he is, will be the only one to love them. And so they stay put, trying to ‘love’ their partner, while dying inside from exclusion, hurt and neglect. Yet only they have the power to change their situation by seeing it for what it really is: simple, relentless emotional abuse which will damage them in the end.

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The Problem With Seeking ‘Fair Shares’ In A Relationship

Posted on 07/11/2022 by mscyprah

One of the most common arguments in any relationship is always centred around the notion of FAIR SHARES: Some people come to the partnership believing that, as long as they do their ‘half’, their ‘bit’ or their ‘fair share’ all will be well. However, our perception of a genuine ‘half’ can be someone else’s idea of 10 per cent – a discrepancy which causes the most disagreement in thr home. There is no such thing as a successful long-term relationship where each partner gives only a personal interpretation of their half. The inevitable truth is that, after a while, the differing perceptions of sharing will result in cries of “Selfish!” or “Unfair!”

What is genuinely fair is usually decided between both parties in advance of living together, or soon after moving in with each other. True halves have to be negotiated to become the couple’s reality. Better to come to the union expecting to give 100 percent and find that much less is taken from you, than prepare to give 50 per cent, only to have it regarded as insufficient! If you know that your partner is contributing more than their perceived ‘fair share’, it’s easier for you to do the same, too. But often, not every contribution can be measured.

Many people, particularly older ones who have been married for a while, tend to take their partners for granted. They also believe there is nothing new for them to learn about life or love. But if we have not been taught how to communicate and resolve problems, it is always useful to learn. Most parents are not able to teach their children the skills for handling difficult times or getting on with others satisfactorily, yet those skills are essential for keeping romance from dying in relationships, especially on days when the children are upset, money is tight as the debts pile up, and the job is boring or demoralising. In these times of difficulty, fair shares become blurred, as they do not always conform to expectations.

For example, one partner can ask the other to help with housework, and if they do not like to do it that task will be done in a grudging way, resentfully, without too much enjoyment. However, a fairer approach could be identifying the strengths on both sides and everyone choosing according to their skills. For example, my ex and I agreed that he would attend to structural things in the home, and look after the garden (I didn’t like gardening!) and I preferred to care for inside the home, while we share the children’s care, as required, and appropriate. It worked very well for over 25 years!

Developing and reviewing our coping skills so that we treat partners fairly, is important for keeping the relationship alive over a long time. Some of the key skills required in these situations include: building self-esteem, understanding and supporting your partner, regular communication, creating ground rules to avoid conflict, a willingness to compromise and keeping the love fire burning. Taking action in your own self-education, while including your partner in the process, will allow you both to benefit from a successful relationship, one where ‘fair shares’ is not just a personal perception, but an actual reality.

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IS There A Difference Between Passion And Love?

Posted on 07/11/2022 by mscyprah

When we speak about Love, many of us treat Passion as entirely separate from it. We often hear about dates ‘falling into lust’ at the beginning of a relationship when the two people are so into each other. They’re so attracted and mesmerised by one another, they want to spend as much time together as they can and to make love as often as possible. The feelings at such times seem deep, exciting and endless.

On the other hand, there are many couples, especially in long term relationships, who have lost their ‘chemistry’, and their Passion for each other. They do things mechanically and without motivation as part of their settled routine. Many have not even had sex for years or affirmed each other in any way.

These love extremes have led some people to believe that any intense passionate feelings when two people have just met cannot be relied upon as a good barometer of lasting Love. That because it is tied to ‘lust’, the ‘real Love’ comes much later on, or not at all. We also talk of having a ‘passion’ for something: an interest, hobby or activity that gives us great joy. Thus we can usually tell how meaningful something is to us by how we feel about it; the way it moves us to want to express our feelings for it and be devoted to it to greater levels.

That’s what Passion is, in a nutshell: the intensity of feeling we have for someone or something. Passion is not something in its own right, like Love. It has to be associated with something else to have any value. It gains its existence by demonstrating how much we actually care about something that’s important to us. Thus the degree of Passion is the giveaway sign.

Passion, when applied to a relationships, is like a marker, a ruler or yardstick, but it is not Love itself. Passion is essentially the intensity of the Love we feel. If we have rapidly lost our passion for someone it’s not because we didn’t love them in the first place, or we only felt lust for them. It is more likely because, over time, as the person has revealed him/herself, our Passion has gradually decreased in its level, or increased, and we are feeling differently about them. So lust isn’t really separate from Love. Both are the same at the beginning because both can take off or fall flat, depending on the level of passion we feel for the object of our affection.

It seems that Love reveals its true self, and has a chance to blossom, when passion subsides, but not too much. If we use a numerical scale for assigning levels of passion, say 7, with seven being the greatest level and one being the lowest, lovers who have recently met and are passionate about each other (the ‘lust’ phase), would be rating a 6 or 7 in their feelings. As the couple settle together, passion will steady itself to a 5 or 6, depending on how much the couple continue to affirm, nurture and validate each other. Those who have started to take each other for granted, but are still in love because the passion is strong (chemistry) will have a steady rate of 4 or 5. But it seems that, for Love to continue with the couple indefinitely, the level cannot fall below 4. Level 3 in passion becomes highly problematic and levels 1 and 2 mean the relationship is dead or on its way out – becoming unsustainable.

In essence, Love cannot exist without some kind of passion because passion is the driving force behind it. Passion allows people to come alive to one another. It gives a kind of adrenalin rush, regularly, but not constantly. It is fired up by interaction of one kind or another. When that does not happen, feelings subside, too, and inevitably change to something else more detached or negative.

If you are trying to work out how you really feel about someone just now, especially whether you love them or not and should marry or settle together, but you can’t feel much passion, or you don’t feel rejuvenated, excited or getting that butterfly feeling, please don’t go there! Your Passion is at too low a level to start something with a long term commitment. Yes, your feelings of Love might increase, but then the person would feel more like a dear relative to you than a lover, simply because passion is the fire that lights your Love. When that fire goes out, so does the Love, eventually, to be replaced by something indifferent, negative or even repellent!

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Today’s Thought: The First Law of Living!

Posted on 07/11/2022 by mscyprah

The best quality of life comes from one simple but powerful ingredient: self-love. This one element has a knock-on effect on so many other things like happiness, contentment, positivity, and achievement, to begin with. When we love ourselves, we give permission for others to love us too, to appreciate our strengths and weaknesses, and to enhance that sense of worth and significance we all seek.

Self-love is crucial because it leads to a love of our bodies and talents. It also frees us to stop focusing upon what we lack, while we accept ourselves as the beautiful and wondrous beings we are. When we love ourselves we are likely to nurture our bodies, to be proud of who we are and to nurture others, too, for who they are.

How much do you value and appreciate yourself?

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Personal Dilemma: Can A Couple Fall In Love With Each Other Again?

Posted on 30/10/2022 by mscyprah

Relationships often go stale and dull when couples settle into complacency, especially if they last a long time. The burden of keeping a home, looking after children who demand constant attention, while holding down a job, can rob the partnership of its freshness, vibrancy and excitement.

In Britain at least 34% of divorces involve children under 5! That’s a very sad statistic mainly because parents are not aware of how to blend a new child with their romance. They focus almost exclusively on the newborn (women mainly) while unintentionally excluding themselves from their partners. Soon enough, romance is killed or put on hold, one parent (mainly men) begins to feel resentful at the lack of attention and might look outside for comfort. Separation or divorce is not far off! So children can actually destroy relationships, if parents aren’t careful.

However, the main problem with many relationships is that couples soon begin to take each other for granted. They stop affirming and reinforcing each other and start being mean and critical instead. They gradually lose all the things they did when they were dating because they feel more secure with the partner in the bag. Many don’t bother to celebrate their partners anymore and, gradually, things go down the drain. But that does not have to happen, if there is real love in the relationship.

The following suggestions to rekindle romance should be of some value.

1. Tell each other ‘I love you’ as often as possible. It is the greatest compliment to tell a partner how we honestly feel, but some people do not believe in expressing genuine feelings to their loved ones. Many believe it is ‘unnatural’ or they could be ‘overdoing’ it. Yet there is no law against having positive feelings and telling someone about them regularly. The most loving things are done spontaneously, and as often as we feel the need to do them, not according to particular schedules. It could also be the last thing they hear from you!

2. Praise and appreciate each other. As relationships last longer, appreciation tends to gradually decline. We begin to become meanspirited with praise and gratitude, because we come to see every action as automatic. Yet praising someone’s efforts, no matter how small, helps to REINFORCE them, to value them and leaves little room for neglect.

3. Leave love notes around the home for them in unexpected places. There is nothing more endearing than loving surprises, especially when one least expects them. Leaving little messages of love, sending spontaneous texts, or just taking time out of a busy day to call to say ‘I’m thinking of you’ would really make that person feel special.

4. Establish routines for young children: Put them to bed at a set time each day. That should allow you both time together when they are in bed. Try not to take them with you to ‘adult’ gatherings. That should give you more time to enjoy each other’s company, especially with other adults. Most important, try to go out at least twice each month (wining, dining, cinema, concert, dancing etc). These allow you both quality time together doing something lighthearted, while giving you time away from the children. In this way, you will always have some time for yourselves, and quality time for your children.

5. Walk hand in hand when outdoors. Whatever you are doing, do it lovingly, especially walking together. Hug, hold hands, kiss his face now and then, kiss her hand, demonstrate that love to the world. Walking hand in hand gives a wonderful feeling of belonging, togetherness and joy. It encourages closeness while communicating or enjoying activities together. Moreover, on a practical level, regular walking keeps the weight down and encourages a more healthier lifestyle. These public actions might be restricted by cultural conformity, depending on where you reside.

6. Highlight the difference you’ve made to each other. This is a very important aspect, to AFFIRM someone and to let them know, constantly, how their presence has changed your life. We become different people the minute we meet someone because we are happier, more joyful, more purposeful and far more loving. When things go sour, we tend to forget those early magical moments. But being with someone new, who really gives us butterflies and adds meaning to our existence, is always a life enhancing experience.

7. Spend a whole weekend in bed making love, chatting and affirming. Having a healthy sex life is crucial to communication, to keeping the relationship vibrant and partners together. Yet this is the part that really gets thrown by the wayside, especially when kids are on the scene. Forget the chores and everything else. Book a room in a hotel, if possible, and allow yourselves to be pampered. This would be a poignant reminder of why you came together in the first place: to love each other, not just to have a family or keep a house.

Dating and romancing shouldn’t stop when the two people marry or settle together. That is the time the real dating should begin to keep that romance fire burning brightly for a long time to come. It could save a lot of unexpected heartache and loneliness down the line.

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What Causes a Person To Seem immature?

Posted on 29/10/2022 by mscyprah

Maturity depends on personal development. The same person can seem immature at different stages of their life for a variety of factors relating to their situation, and the most common ones tend to be:

Lack of experience, which leads to a narrow viewpoint, perhaps a refusal to accept the views of others due to this limited perspective, and being stuck at a specific point in time without really moving on.
Lack of knowledge and general awareness about life. It is difficult to be mature without appropriate knowledge and information which tend to enhance intelligence.
Lack of intelligence and the inability to grasp issues that other mature, experienced people might easily appreciate.
A desire to act younger than they are in inappropriate contexts, like people who wish to imitate others instead of being themselves, or try to be what they are not to feel included and part of a specific group.
Fear of being an adult with responsibilities. Staying at an immature level helps the person to feel secure without needing to feel anxious about anything they are not quite ready for.
Being kept at an immature and childish level by parents who are reluctant to let go of their children, and who deny them access to adult knowledge, action and experience.

Maturity is basically an awareness of, and readiness for, required communication and action at each new stage of life. Thus the core of immaturity is ignorance of behaviour in a given context through lack of knowledge, information and experience, which can also include a desire to play the fool, or use excessive humour, to attract attention.

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How Do Words Impact Our Lives?

Posted on 21/10/2022 by mscyprah

Personally, I think most of us don’t fully understand the true power and impact that words have on us, otherwise we might be more wary of what we say!

Language defines us, reveals us and demonstrates our routine priorities. For example, the word ‘bored’ never comes into my vocabulary because I simply have too much to do to have time for that. Thus anyone using that word is saying a lot about how they FEEL about their time, and the inability to engage their talents to productive use. That also applies to any other word.

The words we use are also not accidental. We CHOOSE the words we feel most comfortable with according to our culture, treatment, identity, awareness, relevance, education and aspirations. For example, if we find it easier to use negative words than positive ones, they point to low self-belief, lack of confidence in ourselves, and a feeling of impotence.

Importantly, words come out of thoughts, so we cannot avoid certain words until we change our mindset and thought processes. Changing how we think also changes our perceptions and enable different words to come to the fore. However, as words reflect our beliefs about ourselves, changing them is not an easy thing to do until those beliefs are changed, too.

Our words are the most accurate indication of who we are and our true values, and have strong impact on our existence. That is why when people use certain derogatory words, and then deny them with defensive explanations like: “That’s not really me”, they are not being truthful. Those words would represent who they are, and the fears and prejudices they hold. As their circle or society might not condone what they say, it loses them friends, face and credibility, which prompts them to retract. However, we seldom use words we are not comfortable with, unless we are brainwashed by others.

Words are the only tools we have to indicate how others perceive us, and value us. Hence their impact, when used positively, or without empathy, can have a effect very powerful on others

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PREMIUM: 10 Tell-Tale Signs Of Low Self-Esteem

Posted on 21/10/2022 by mscyprah

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Many people are not aware that they might have low self-esteem which could be hampering their desires and progress, because they lack awareness of the root causes of their mental and emotional health. But low self-esteem manifests itself in many ways, some of which are often suppressed by other aspects. However, the most significant ones are the following, in order of importance, and their ability to cause blockages, recurring unease, and even emotional damage:

Guilt. The other side of this emotion is shame, which is usually associated with less confident people. Guilt tends to emerge from a feeling of impotence, especially regarding the inability to change a particular situation; and of not living up to the expectations of those who matter to us most. Extremes of guilt often show themselves as self-torture, seeing personal actions as unforgivable, imperfections as permanent, and believing improvement is impossible. Guilt is especially pronounced when there is hurt and betrayal in relationships, and in grieving for loved ones.

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Why Do Break-Ups Hurt Some People So Much?

Posted on 19/10/2022 by mscyprah

Once when I was dating and had a break-up I wrote about it on a dating site and got an interesting email from a guy wanting to know how I can seem so confident and cool in the face of it. As he said, if he “had been with someone for four months, and then had to walk away” he would be “devastated”. I thought I would expand on my response and share it publicly, because it is a very important question, in view of all the recurrent heartbreaks.

This was part of my response:

“I wouldn’t be devastated, because the main reason people get hurt, especially after short relationships, is because they don’t love themselves enough. They expect the other person to love them instead, and end up putting that person above themselves. Sadly, when the person walks away they are even more hurt, because, having no internal source of love, the only source would have left them alone, confirming the low unworthy feelings they already have about themselves.”

I am human, too, and do feel naturally upset after any break-up. However, it doesn’t last for long. As I tend to be very expressive, I am also very trusting. I fall deeply and I love equally passionately, which make me even more vulnerable to being hurt. Yet break-ups hardly affect me emotionally, no matter how much I love the person. It got me thinking why I don’t suffer the usual angst of people who are really hurt by it, and I gradually worked it out.

What most people probably don’t realise is that every relationship has three crucial elements at the heart of it:

1. Self Love

2. The capacity to love another

3. The desire to be loved

Most people go into relationships armed with just the desire to be loved. That’s the easy bit. But what is even more important is to have the other two elements, which are often missing. In fact, the most important aspect of a relationship is SELF-LOVE (which acts as a protective barrier to pain). But loving the self unconditionally, without expecting perfection, is not an easy thing to do after a history of not being valued or affirmed by the people who matter in our lives, like parents and past lovers.

Yet self-love is like having money or riches. If we have no love for ourselves, we cannot give away any either. That date will never be able to do enough for us simply because we will always feel inadequate. The irony is that a love of the self frees us to be more loving and understanding towards another. For example, though I did miss him very much – because we had grown pretty close very quickly, my self love made me smile and remember our awesome moments together, whenever he comes to mind, rather than any anger, recrimination or blame; to also give thanks for what we shared rather than what we might have lost.

Sadly, most relationships consist of two people without any self-love or capacity to love. In effect, there are two TAKERS instead of givers in the relationship, wanting to be loved, and looking after their own corner, while being unable to truly love themselves or each other. It means when the relationship breaks down it would be doubly painful for one person because he/she would have been emotionally dependent on the one who took that love away. That partner would have been living in constant fear of the relationship not working, and would then be pretty shaken when it does break and the love stops.

Loving the self reminds us that we matter the most in any relationship. We are the cake, the other person is the icing, and icing is never mandatory. Icing might go beautifully well with a cake but it is a CHOICE, just like having a date is a choice. It means that once the icing goes, we would have enjoyed it, enhanced that icing with our presence, but, in the end, we stand independently of it, because we are all on our individual journey of life. With that knowledge, we can appreciate ourselves more, and will also have more to GIVE a partner than merely expecting them to give us what we seek. We can take them or leave them, as they are, and, best of all, if they should leave us, our self-love will keep us intact – more aware, confident, positive, much wiser – and better prepared for the next encounter.

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5 Main Reasons Why Some Teenagers Might Act In Disrespectful Ways

Posted on 19/10/2022 by mscyprah

Teenagers are seldom disrespectful without a reason, because every teen wants to be loved and valued. They would not risk their feeling of security and inclusion for the sake of it. However, it is natural that, during the teenage years, many teens begin to detach from their parents, perhaps to rebel and assert their personality, as a prelude to being their own person. But, depending on their personality, and childhood treatment, some teens are better at doing that than others.

In brief, teens tend to be disrespectful especially when:

1. They feel unloved, unwanted and misunderstood

This is the main reason why teens go off the rails and behave badly. It is their way of getting back and hurting the parent for the lack of worth they feel. They do not have a strong sense of value, and so the respect goes as well to compensate for that. Their behaviour is more like retaliation and revenge for not feeling loved and appreciated. Kids need to be shown love and affection daily. A simple hug, a kind word, and positive reinforcement are essential to show value and appreciation, and to increase the teen’s feeling of security and self-worth.

2. They are not affirmed or reinforced, but mainly criticised

Their views and feelings are not respected. This often happens in strict homes where there is too much discipline, too little slack, and too many expectations that the teen might find difficult to fulfil. They have no way of thriving as an individual, and the frustration is evident in disrespectful, thoughtless actions.

Many parents are so keen for the child to develop in their own image and likeness, they often forget that there is an independent person waiting to emerge and unwittingly stifle their growth. This, of course, causes resentment, anger, and lack of respect. The main tip here is NOT to criticise before you praise. Always begin with praise when you have to be corrective and, where possible, don’t criticise at all, simply affirm every desired or acceptable thing they do and downplay or ignore the rest. In this way, you will bring desired behaviour to the fore, and reduce the undesirable ones. ALWAYS try to compromise with the teen’s need, and not just insist on your own. It shows respect for their feelings and aspirations, and teaches them to respect yours, too.

For example, when my children were growing up and started dating, they were requested to bring every new friend home. They could have them in their room, but the door had to be always open and the friend had to leave by 11 pm. It meant that we did not have to worry where my teens were in the evenings. In this way, I did not try to control their lives and they had a chance to meet their friends openly, instead of being furtive. It also showed the friends the standard of behaviour expected in our home.

3. They are emotionally hurting and in pain

Many children hurt for lots of reasons that their parents are not even aware of. Often the parents get the stick simply for being there, because there is no one else to blame. The child could be bullied, or being abused in some way, or has fallen out with peers, and disrespect to a parent makes up for the lack of support and good feeling the teen may perceive are missing. The best way to deal with this aspect is to talk to them often about their day, show concern for their life and activities, without being too intrusive. Be sensitive to when they might be unusually quiet or pre-occupied, and be there for them when you sense they need your comfort.

4. They have been indulged and spoilt

Disrespect is rife in homes where parents have been permissive in bringing up their children, and where there are few firm rules for appropriate behaviour. In these homes, teens have not been taught how to disagree in an assertive manner. It is easy for the teen to push the boundaries and act in a disrespectful way, because they know no different, and genuinely believe that kind of behaviour would be appropriate and accepted. In these permissive homes, the teens are often confused by the inconsistency in their treatment, and bad behaviour is their way of rebelling against this.

The best tips here are to be firm, but fair, with the teen from as early as possible in their life; to be consistent, but flexible, with rules, and to ensure that the boundaries for good behaviour are kept in place, and with some discretion. Every step along the way, make sure that teens are taught appropriate ways of asking for what they desire, disagreeing with decisions made, acknowledging when they are wrong, and being able to deal with rejection. Those coping skills will gradually become routine in their behaviour as they get older, and help to make them more confident in interacting with others.

5. They are copying parental behaviour

Children in homes where the parents do not treat each other with any respect, and where language is abusive, critical or inappropriate, tend to use those examples as their guidelines and behave accordingly. Parents teach their children not only through what they say, but, most importantly, through what they DO. Children will pick up inappropriate and ambiguous behaviour when they have been set the wrong examples. The parents might not want that to happen, but that is the only outcome where there is no other model to copy. The best tip in this instance is to behave in a manner that you wish your teen to adopt. Set the desired tone and behaviour consistently, and they are likely to follow it, because they will be able to make the right decision when they are faced with conflicting behaviours and have to choose for themselves.

If parents practise respect, trust, sensitivity, flexibility and consistency with their teens, they are likely to stave of conflicting , anxious and inappropriate behaviour, while also ensuring respect for themselves, and a more satisfying relationship.

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Why Do I Fear Upsetting People, Or Them Being Disappointed in Me?

Posted on 17/10/2022 by mscyprah

If you have such fears, it could be both a need for approval and the need to be perfect, because of your low self-esteem and lack of confidence in yourself. Needs that keep you firmly in your tracks, dogged by fear, until the significant others tells you it is okay. But we cannot stop people from being disappointed in us because each person has a different expectation of us, a different aim for us and a different perception of whom we should be. Only self-belief and the realisation that no one is better than anyone else should guide your actions. While we all seek approval when we are younger, which is natural to bond with our parents, a sign of maturity and independence is the desire to seek personal approval only through self-belief and self-appreciation.

Your fear of disapproval perhaps helps you to project your thoughts of feeling inadequate on to the people you are trying to please or impress, in fact, deciding how they are going to regard you, making up their mind for them, judging yourself harshly for them, and having expectations on their behalf in your desire to control their reactions favourably. The only advice is: Lay it down, and start being you. Perfection has control and conformity at its centre, and it does not allow for mistakes, risk taking, innovation or genuine self-realisation, either. Worst of all, it causes much stress – and stress ages you and shortens your life!

Perhaps it is time to keep asking yourself what is the worst that can happen when someone is upset with you? Keep asking it of everyone you fear and see how you would deal with the perceived consequences. That is how you build your confidence and self-worth, by facing the worst scenarios and dealing with them, either physically or mentally. Not from shying away from life and dreading the experiences. You will then gradually discover what you really fear about a lack of approval and be able to do something about it.

Perhaps you could start by acknowledging that there is no such thing as perfection. It is an unreachable state. We are made as fallible people so that we can forever GROW and develop into wonderful beings. When we focus on perfection, and fulfilling exactly what other people want, we rob our lives of the little imperfect things which make it magical. We forget that whatever we do someone else is likely to better it, or to take it to new heights of excellence. We also forget that, if we were granted our wish to be perfect, there would be nothing left to do in life, except to stagnate in a huge void of meaningless existence.

I always ask myself which I would rather be: Green and growing, and ready to learn, or ripe and rotting and knowing it all? because perfection is the end state, not the beginning. We are so afraid to upset others, or vice versa, we stay in the same habitual rut, doing he same actions and getting the same results without even knowing why.

You start to fix perfection by living a little, letting your hair down sometimes, and not trying too hard to please. By just being YOU. That’s the only sure way to appreciate yourself more. You will gradually lose the intense desire to impress others because you will be at peace with you, and their expectations will come second or lower in the scheme of your life.

Please remember, that you might try to please people as often as you can, but the day you cannot genuinely please them, they really won’t understand it, and you will be mud in their eyes, anyway! Best to please yourself because those who like you as you are will flock to you, and those who don’t will give you a wide berth, and good riddance to them, anyway, if all they will do is drag you down or be negative to you.

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Today’s Thought: Understanding The Use of Stereotypes

Posted on 17/10/2022 by mscyprah

There is no harm in using stereotypes to make sense of an unfamiliar situation, especially if we accept that there is always an exception to any rule or obvious pattern. The brain tends to work from the panoramic to the microscopic picture. Stereotypes become discriminatory and unacceptable when we still choose to use them, even when we have the knowledge and information that disputes them.

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