Problem Point: How Do I Get My Girlfriend To Respect Me?

Photo by Courtney Kammers

Q. My girlfriend doesn’t think she “disses” me, but I can’t get her to understand what respect is. She thinks of it as courtesy. When we are together, we do the things she wants to do, even though I have told her plenty of times about this. I often wonder why she will not talk about her feelings to me, unless she is angry at someone. I feel very close to her when she does cry about something in my presence. I get so frustrated when we just have sex and there is no “pillow talk”–and then she will want to play Scrabble, or watch a movie. Have you any ideas how I can get her to recognise what respect is?

A. I don’t promise to have all the answers, because it is difficult forming opinions when one is judging from only one side of a situation, mainly your perspective. However, I’ll simply raise some scenarios, purely from a woman’s perspective, and see if they help in any way. A few things leapt out of your query and I’ll use these as examples.

1. “We do the things she wants to do even though I have told her plenty of times about this.”

You shouldn’t be just TELLING partners what to do, but negotiating a compromise. Only controllers dictate and expect people to follow. If you merely tell her what to do and leave her to act, or constantly complain about her efforts, she will keep doing what she has always done just to defy or punish you, especially if she puts her needs first. What you also don’t realise, is that when you do what she wants, and then tell her you don’t like it, you are reinforcing the very thing you dislike. Of course, it is harder to change it then. The time to express your feelings is BEFORE you both do it, then either join in on mutually agreeable terms, or not at all.

You have two choices here. Either to sit down together and have some genuine, calm dialogues about what makes you both happy, and mentioning how you feel excluded and undervalued at such moments when she merely pleases herself. Then negotiate some sort of compromise so that you BOTH get what you want as often as possible. OR you simply stop agreeing with her actions for a while, don’t try to please her or join in, and see what she does.

Photo by JD Mason

2. “I often wonder why she will not talk about her feelings to me, unless she is angry at someone.”

Often when people stop talking, or appear angry, it is because they feel they are not being heard and are festering with resentment, but lack the courage to say how they really feel. Your girlfriend seems to be keeping talking to a minimum because she probably does not find the process satisfactory, enjoyable or endearing. Instead she deliberately engages in activities which give few opportunities for talking and is also silent in bed (perhaps as a form of punishment for the way she feels). I am not sure how long you have been together, but something seems to have gone in the communication aspect and would need some genuine LISTENING on both sides to get it back.

They say we cannot truly love another until we love ourself. The same with respect. We cannot expect it if we don’t give it, neither can respect be demanded. It has to be earned, too. So the first path towards getting your girlfriend to recognise respect and to treat you accordingly is to do some self-examination of your way of giving respect because the ability to say NO is as important as saying YES.

3. How much do you really treat her with respect? How much does she feel valued and respected for her contributions and opinions? How equal is the partnership? Do you just notice her weaknesses and flaws with little praise for other things?

4. You say that when she cries you feel very close to her. Is it because she is more vulnerable then and more easy to control? You then feel more in charge and less threatened, more protective as the ‘man’? What about closeness at other times? Do you feel as close when she is not crying? If not, why not? Do you feel ‘useless’ at those times? 

Those questions need answering because, if you perceive your girlfriend to have a strong personality or independence, some men can find that difficult to deal with as it threatens their feeling of value, status and even their identity, especially if they have specific cultural references relating to how men and women should act. However, apart from getting her to read my reply, you cannot teach someone about respect. They have to FEEL they want to give it because it usually comes naturally when we truly care about someone and feel at one with them.

As I said, it is difficult for me to advise when I do not know your situation from both sides. Nevertheless, it is surprising what a little bit of listening rather than just telling can achieve. You might not hear what you want to hear, but at least it will provide some clues as to the root causes and also how you can both begin to remedy the situation. Or, more ominously, it could be that either one, or both, of you has lost your appeal and, when that goes, sadly, it seldom comes back which then keeps respect at rock bottom. It sounds as though there is physical appeal between you, but no emotional bond, hence the lack of ‘pillow talk’. If that is the case, or if all else fails, you might have to let that one go and seek someone more affirming, respectful and reciprocal.


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PREMIUM: Why Falling In Love Is Not So Easy! 

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Most of us secretly hope for that moment of ecstasy when we fall in love, when the heart races faster just at the thought of that chosen person, and we feel we are on cloud nine. Sadly, many people are not likely to experience the bells and whistles attached to falling in love because they lack the key elements that make it possible. 

So, what could some folks be missing which prevents them from reaching that highly-desired goal at any time in their lives? It seems to be four crucial factors, which will be explained in priority order: 

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I’m Heartbroken, How Do I Remind Myself That I’m Worthy?

Photo by Marah Bashir

Broken hearts are mainly caused by unfulfilment of expectations coupled with low self-esteem. Often we think so low of ourselves, we put our whole life in the hands of one person to get ‘happiness’ and when that happiness is withdrawn, the pain of losing it is too much to bear. We meet someone, we like them a lot, we come to trust them and believe in them, then start to weave our dreams and life around them, too. When they fail to conform to those expectations, we are often hugely disappointed and devastated.

It is natural to feel some loss when a relationship breaks up. But any break that causes us to feel really badly about ourselves, and lasts for too long, is self-inflicted. If we really love and value ourselves, everything in life – whether happiness or heartache – becomes part of our natural routine, nothing extraordinary, because life has two natural sides: good and bad, up and down, birth and death. We can’t have one without the other. Most of all nothing lasts forever. Everything is temporary. Accepting that fact is an important part of loving someone.

To mend a broken heart and restore your self-esteem has five stages:

First, take time out for you, while you slowly detach yourself from your lover. Often the hurt is prolonged because you still keep yourself in their orbit. Do NOT continue to be ‘friends’ until the hurt stops and you feel better. Make a complete detachment otherwise you will be constantly reminded of the situation, especially at the early vulnerable stage when the pain is worst.

Second, accept responsibility for your part in the break-up. Nothing is ever one-sided and only blaming the other person merely prolongs the pain. By acknowledging and addressing your part in the process, the grievance will be lessened even quicker because you won’t just be simply judging your mate on his/her actions, you will be addressing the quality of the relationship between you. The moment you put bitterness, resentment and anger above forgiveness or compassion is the minute your prolong your pain and agony, because all you will be thinking about are negative things that will make you feel even more inadequate and crappy.

Photo by Belinda Fewings

Speeding up the Healing Process
Third, reinforce your self-love because you will feel unwanted and undesirable at this time, hence why you feel less ‘worthy’. It is easy to believe that no one will want you anymore, that you are no longer attractive and you will not find another relationship like that. But to love and be loved, you have to love yourself first. You cannot give away love if you have none for yourself. Nurturing your self-love is crucial to mending a broken heart quickly because you will chalk it up to experience. It also takes the focus off partners and puts it squarely on yourself. That tends to speed up the healing process and re-affirm your esteem and worthiness.

Fourth, accept the situation as a natural part of the pleasure/pain cycle of life, important for teaching us lessons we need later on to live our life satisfactorily and to build our resilience. Life consists of both pain and love, manifested through death and rebirth, being two sides of the same coin. The love is there to nourish and sustain us while the pain helps us to develop our experiences and to face our challenges with resilience and new knowledge. It is best to learn the lessons they give and move on without grieving too long, knowing that there is likely to be someone even better and more deserving of you in the future.

Fifth, remind yourself daily of your natural appeal and value and do not judge the rest of your existence by this ONE occasion. Moving on is most important. Just because someone is not keen on you does not mean your value is any less in everyone else’s eyes. Your life is a journey, made up of numerous experiences, not based on one particular event.

There is ALWAYS a good reason behind why someone isn’t right for you. It’s just that you cannot see it at the time. Use rejection as a lesson in finding the right partner and move on to a more fulfilling experience. If you really love yourself, you won’t really care about another person’s actions. You will be thankful for the moment, looking ahead positively, without living in regrets or in the past – and feeling much better for it, too.


Feeling Neglected, Though Part Of A Family

Image by Amarpreet Singh

One of the biggest causes of breakdowns in relationships is simple neglect of a partner once children appear on the scene. No attention, no affection and, worst of all, no sex, as spouses become lost in the routine and minutiae of child rearing, forgetting how those children came about in the first place! This unwitting form of rejection, especially in the early years of marriage, is perpetuated in many homes and often sets the seal for trouble ahead.

New additions to families have the knack of grabbing all the attention. Daily, many mums (in particular) strive to accommodate this sudden, pervasive and persistent demand on their time, often in an unnecessarily guarded and protective manner, that gradually excludes their partners and spouses. Invariably, it is men who lose out at this time. Some do not take such exclusion lightly, often feeling jealous of the new rival, but not quite sure how to react in these sensitive and uncharted waters. 

When the demands of the child constantly interfere with the normal togetherness and intimacy the couple enjoys, it is difficult to maintain a positive, romantic or even sympathetic perspective. Inexperienced, anxious mothers are primarily concerned about their new and vulnerable charges, while excluded fathers are reduced to the role of helpless bystanders, often withdrawing emotionally from the situation while constantly fretting on the quiet. It won’t be long before they look elsewhere for comfort and affirmation, judging by the disproportionate number of divorces in the UK which involve young children under 11 years old (68% of all UK divorces in 2017 – 30% with children under 5!).

Two individuals trying to live harmoniously together is no easy feat and sometimes we unwittingly set a train of action into motion, blissfully unaware of the consequences until it flattens us to a pulp. Like this routine-looking scene in my local park one Sunday that masked many anxieties. Running noisily around a park bench was an animated group of children, with a male and female guardian in their thirties. Three very lively youngsters buzzed around the woman, competing with one another for her attention. Seemingly concerned, she sat very still, holding on tightly to the youngest child, cradling his head against her warm body as if she could not bear to let him go. With her head bowed in a sort of reverie, she seemed oblivious to the merrymaking and intermittent noise around her, and was equally oblivious to someone else standing in front of her.

Image by Vladimir Buynevich

Signs of Frustration
A man of similar age, rather windswept and miserable, looked down at her longingly. Sporadically, he looked away at the people around him and back to his companion in a cycle of futile expectation. Her lack of response unnerved him. He seemed trapped by the situation, in which he was expected to give attention to children wrapped up in their own game while feeling decidedly excluded himself. Perhaps he was her lover, or her husband. Either way, these simple signs of frustration pointed to a relationship heading for trouble.

The haunting look in his eyes as he tried to appear nonchalant, when he clearly wanted her attention, and perhaps a cuddle too, was not difficult to see. He scoured the park for similar situations; for the reassurance that as a man he was in the right place at the right time doing the right thing. But the reassurance was not forthcoming and the look of bewilderment on his face betrayed not only a desperate kind of wonder at what he could do next, but also his increasingly obvious feeling of being unwanted and on the periphery. The young toddler might have required attention at that precise moment, but the woman was so focused entirely on his needs, everything else appeared to be in suspended animation. That scene has been indelibly etched on my mind ever since.

With children in tow, this couple is likely to be married. And, with this type of relationship providing the most up-to-date statistics on living together, it is easy to see the downward trends in the length of marriages once children are on the scene. Love is universal in its effects and emotions are always predictable be they personal, individual, peculiar or particular. Any two committed people sharing the same space can expect a repeat of what happens to many other couples, especially with new additions to the family. The advent of children, even as a welcome third party, could spell doom for most couple’s relationships unless they are strong, knowledgeable and mature enough to deal with the new situation sensibly. Often this is not the case, as no one has prior training for such sensitive times. The results can then, sadly, be seen in the courts.


IS It Really Cheating To Engage In Online Relationships While Being Married To, Or Living With, Someone?

Image by tswedensky

A. Personally, I believe any kind of online relationship which involves attraction, no matter how platonic, should be regarded as cheating, especially if the partner/spouse is not aware of it. Many people are tempted to believe that because they might never meet the online date, or they are not being intimate, that does not count as cheating, but the intent to deceive has three distinct parts.

First, there is INTENTION. The moment we have the intention to quietly seek out someone else behind and talk to them on our own, we have an intention which is not in the other party’s interest ,or for the wellbeing of the relationship. It doesn’t matter if we haven’t acted on it yet, we still intend to deceive, for whatever reason, one that will benefit only us and no one else. Otherwise we would involve our partners in it.

Second, is the DECISION. From simple intention follows the decision to either leave it as a thought, or carry it out. In most cases it soon becomes a fact because of the ease of finding willing parties to engage in illicit liaisons, the total anonymity of such connections and the discreet way they can be maintained without partners finding out, thanks to technology. Once a decision is taken to proceed, that is the most dangerous time because of the potential for damage to the current relationship. The die is cast and the next stage tends to follow.

Third, is ACTION. Once that decision has been made, action follows swiftly. It really doesn’t matter the nature of the action, whether sex is involved or not, it is likely to lead to intimacy, especially where the parties have that as an objective. Whether the two people ever meet is beside the point, there is some cheating taking place.

Often many people believe that so long as there is no physicality in it, then they are having ‘harmless fun’. But there is nothing harmless about dallying with a potential date because either party can progress that friendship depending on their objective. A person would be kidding himself if he said he was ‘happy’ in his current relationship yet is still seeking diversions without their partner’s knowledge. The key point here is that if someone is really happy at home with what they have they won’t care about hooking up with someone else for anything, unless it is a mutual friend they can share with their partner, too. If that is not the case, they are simply pleasing themselves, without any thought for how it might affect their spouse, and that has no other name than cheating.

For me, once I have a partner, he comes first. I might have professional friends and colleagues but they would not be hidden from him. The minute I seek someone else for attention and otherwise, no matter how innocent it might seem, I would be crossing a different line which would put the relationship at risk. The bottom line is that any attention given to someone else online is transferring my emotions away from the one I love, not towards them, and that could have unforeseen consequences!

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Do Most People Marry For The Wrong Reasons?

Photo by Sandy Millar

Nope. No one gets married for the ‘wrong reasons’! Even so-called ‘gold diggers’ marry for the right reasons: the ones that suit them, not anyone else.

As humans we evolve from one age to the next, constantly growing, developing and changing our preferences. It stands to reason that as we age, learn and grow, we will want different things at different stages of our life. So a person of 40 years old, for example, will seek something entirely different to their 20 year old self because they have matured in the intervening 20 years, and their experience and knowledge have taught them a lot that their younger self was not aware of. We can only go according to the knowledge and experience we have at any one point.Thus everything we do is always for the right reasons AT THE TIME it is done, to match our stage of knowledge and maturity. That is all we can use to make our decisions: what we KNOW and how we FEEL.

Later on in life, when our experience and new information tell us otherwise, we can look back in time and use hindsight to beat ourselves up about how ‘wrong’ we were to do what we did. But every action in life fulfils a physical or emotional need/desire that we have at that precise moment in time.

For example, looking at my boyfriend’s youthful pictures, he was a hippie type, long hair, beard etc. At that time, we were almost total opposites of each other in approach and ideology. I would not have found him attractive, and I doubt if he would have felt the same about me either. Fast forward 25 years, and he is a different person in looks and intellect, because of his developing knowledge and diverse experiences. We have also moved closer together in all sorts of ways to the extent that we now find each other very attractive.

So, one thing to remember about relationships and people is that we always do things for the right reasons FOR US when we make those decisions, because we are not robots who are static in time. As we mature, get educated, or change our aspirations, we begin to see ourselves in a different light and desire something else. If our partners have not developed with us in the same direction, discomfort and conflict ensues, and that’s a relationship heading for the rocks.

At those stressful times, it is tempting to look back and bemoan why we went into that partnership in the first place, especially using the useless tool of hindsight to chastise our actions. But no one forced us to act in that way at that time. Most important, if we could have done something else then, or acted differently, we would have certainly done so. We clearly had needs that the person fulfilled when we got married, needs they are no longer fulfilling, which gradually makes them less attractive in our eyes, and almost alien in some respects.

That’s the simple, and hard-to-accept, fact of every relationship that doesn’t last as expected – our natural evolution from one point to another impacting our partnerships!


Why it is Often Difficult Finding a New Soulmate or Partner

Image by Pexels

After my divorce, I found a wonderful person on the internet some years ago, but we had a difference of opinion on where the relationship should go. Sadly, we went our separate ways after the most heavenly two year friendship. I wasn’t ready for a new 24/7 life with someone else yet, despite the deep love we had for each other, and he wasn’t keen to start afresh either because of his age. But what a fellow, and what a friendship, especially as we were chalk and cheese in every sense of the word: culturally, racially and in philosophy!

I have moved on, enriched by his love and his presence. I would not have missed the journey for the world because it all adds to our character and learning experience. He certainly provided the litmus test and yardstick for what makes me happy in a relationship, and I give thanks for it. That’s why I became more aware of what I wanted in a relationship, and felt good at having the skills to detect whether it is there or not in any potential date.

Generally, it is not very easy finding a new partner or soulmate because of four different reasons why people come into our lives.

Four Reasons for a Relationship
In brief, the four reasons are:

1.To teach us something, or for us to teach them in turn – and the lesson could be either positive or a negative wake-up call; AND/OR

2. To guide us out of a depression or bad patch in our lives;AND/OR

3. To build our confidence to deal with the next person in line – who could even be the special one for us – AND/OR

4. To be the genuine article: our long-term partners.

It means that hankering after lost loves in bitterness, anger or vengeful hostility is the worse thing you could do to yourself. They have served their purpose and moved on. It has to be accepted with LOVE and FORGIVENESS for your life to progress, too. Notice that finding the right person for us has only a 25% chance of occurring whenever we meet anyone, which explains the difficulty in matching up with the right one!

I thought David was the real thing because of the intensity and length of the relationship. But, he was type No.1 and 2 – there to teach me about real, unselfish love and guide me out of my marital crisis, while I taught him an alternative, wider view of life. He will always be a beacon for me, and I thank him so much because I am a different, much better, person now than when I first met him.

Image by 👀 Mabel Amber

Unrealistic Expectations
However, the main problem with seeking a new partner, with meetings which flounder and with many relationships that end up being shorter than expected, is that most people believe every person they meet and like will be the BIG ONE, No.4, and burden it with their expectations! But nothing could be further from the truth.

The trick is to let that first contact gradually reveal the nature of itself without too many expectations, while taking an interest in that person. Instead of just focusing on yourself, be detached, yet reciprocal, to give yourself some enjoyment and happiness in the learning process. Often we are too busy focusing on our needs, being anxious about how the relationship is going to shape up that we miss the early incompatible signals. But they are ALWAYS there!

For those in failing relationships which are proving increasingly unhappy, let it go! You have both done your jobs and are merely preventing each other from carrying on your work elsewhere, from personal self-fulfilment or even meeting the REAL one. Painful, I know, but it is really about choices and results. The ones you want for your life. If you have genuinely tried to keep it going without much change, hanging on will only lead to a bottomless pit of unhappiness and frustration which robs you of self-esteem and makes you feel worse. If you are not being validated and affirmed, you will feel awful, which shows in your actions and body, making you unattractive to others, too.

Image by 5688709

One of the first tell-tale signs of an unhappy relationship are people who rarely smile, with haunted looks in their eyes and weighty bodies! But they don’t even realise that’s how they look! I weighed 157 pounds during the last months of my marriage. Today I am a slimmer 135 lbs and my confidence and happiness know no bounds. Proof that letting go of a dying relationship creates space for something new and even magical.

The lesson here is to keep an open mind when you meet someone new. Don’t start fretting about what might develop in the future, when there might not be one for you both! No matter how much you might like them, only time and allowing the friendship to grow, will show you what type of relationship it is.

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Today’s Thought: Finding a New Relationship

So often we seek a new relationship beieving that once we find that ideal person, everything will be perfect and we’ll be very happy. However, any relationship starts with how we connect with ourselves, not with any other person. If we are uncomfortabe with our person, not happy with our mirror-image, and dislike ourselves, we will find it problematic connecting with others too.

What to Do if You’re Scared of Losing Your Spouse/Partner

When we love someone and we feel they might not love us as much, that they are attracted to someone else, or they seem distant and detached, it can lead to many anxieties as to how to keep the love intact. It is natural to wonder why a guy or gal might be behaving that way, and whether you might lose them. But the first thing to do is to understand why you feel like that, and then take any remedial steps you believe might apply in your specific case, because every situation is likely to be different.

To begin with, the fear of losing someone, especially when it is very strong, comes out of a lack of self-love. This makes us terribly insecure and apprehensive. Many people do not really love themselves and expect partners to love them instead, to compensate for that lack of love. They tend to be watchful, anxious, and worried in case they are not loved anymore, because losing the person who loves them would be hard to bear. The object of their love thus becomes the centre of attention, the focus point of their life, which can make it hard for that partner to live up to expectations. That kind of imbalance is what often drives partners away because they tend to find the intense attention hard to deal with and take their attention outside. Understanding that kind of fear will help to put other things in perspective, like what you could do in the situation.

1. The first action you could take is to start valuing yourself. Get rid of the fear and start to live your life in a way that, if your guy/gal goes, it is not the end of the world. Ask yourself what is the worst that could happen if they left, then face this scenario in your head. What would you do, exactly? By facing the possibility and making contingencies for it, you will find the prospect easier to deal with, even if it doesn’t happen. This is important to do, because if a partner wants to leave, for whatever reason, nothing will stop them. There is really nothing you can do about it, especially if he/she has found someone else. By getting detached from that fear, you also loosen their power over you. Deciding on options that you would have available, should they leave, actually empowers you to deal with the prospect without too much pain.

2. Next, communicate as much as possible. Often relationships begin to fracture because people grow apart, they take each other for granted, or partners have changed in their ambitions and aspirations; they have been too busy to reinforce and affirm each other, or they have just not listened to one another. Talking and listening are essential if you sense something is wrong. If you find out what the problem could be, there might be a chance of saving the situation. However, ironically, this is the time when people dread talking together, because they also fear what they might hear, or they fear upsetting the other party, so they are likely to clam up instead.

3. Third, take the focus off your partner and place it on yourself. The more anxious and worried you are is the more unattractive you become. How do you physically look? Are you as attractive as you used to be, or have you let yourself go? This is the time for a makeover, perhaps; for doing things differently; for getting back to what you both used to be before things became too routine. Time to overcome your fear and anxieties by socialising more, widening your circle of friends and activities, especially taking up new hobbies/hroups, and becoming much more self-loving and independent.

People who have their own life, who are also a little detached in their relationships, and who give enough space to each other to develop and grow, tend to keep their love alive in a more effective way. The best way to keep your gal is to show that you desire that person, you love her being in your life but you don’t ‘need’ her; that you will still be functioning at full capacity if he weren’t there. That’s a very important point to note.

4. Finally, people leave relationships when they are not happy and mainly because they do not feel valued or affirmed. If that is the case, both parties need to begin to appreciate each other, to be expressive, caring, loving and affectionate; to show mutual value and respect. That is not always easy to do, especially if things have been allowed to slide into a rut.

When we truly love we love without conditions. We then acknowledge that we come first, and the love starts within us, not outside of us. If we don’t love, respect and value ourselves, it is difficult for others to love us, too, because they simply cannot love what we ourselves reject. Relationships are meant to aid our development along our journey, and not necessarily to last a lifetime. If the person goes, we will still be wonderful, still be desirable and still be valued. All we have to do is to learn the lesson and move on.

Most important, should he/she go, especially if you have done all you can to encourage them to stay, don’t forget that there is likely to be someone even better waiting for you, if you care to look ahead, instead of just looking back in regret.

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Premium: The Single Biggest Killer of Relationships

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Image by Gerd Altmann

So you see the someone you fancy across the room at an event. You edge nervously towards him/her, wanting to make that crucial impression. You finally make the connection, and feel really happy. You punch the air with joy. A few weeks .. or even years .. later, everything stops in its tracks and you can’t understand it. End of beautiful romance, or marriage.

And what killed it, you wonder?

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Problem Question: How Do I Make My Guy Love Me?

Image by Steve Watts

Q. I just can’t get loved by my loved one and that realisation is keeping me frozen… I do feel like the person I am, which is not much… It is the worst feeling to see there is nothing you can offer to your man that another woman cannot do better.

A. You must be in a lot of pain. But you have both the problem and the solution in your email to me. Let’s identify your key comments.

“I just can’t get loved by my loved one and that realisation for me is keeping me frozen… I do feel like the person that I am, which is not much…”

First of all, how can someone love what you are rejecting just now? You don’t think much of yourself (your words) but expect your partner to find that low esteem attractive. That is not possible. No one will love you in your present state because true love begins inside of us. Until you really appreciate the unique and loveable being you are, you cannot appreciate others, neither can they love you in turn. Perhaps that’s why you call others ‘ignorant’ because they are not seeing your low point of view. Yet that is a stereotype reflecting the negativity you feel inside of you.

Currently, you are not giving out much, you simply have needs – the need of another to love you. But just being needy isn’t attractive. Just like how to have friends we have to first be a friend to others, being lovable comes from being able to be a lover, to forget ourselves and to GIVE; to find out what our partners want and SHARE it with them, not just wait for them to love us or to fulfil our needs. Naturally, the more needy and worthless you feel, the less you will have it remedied, and the less you will have to give, because no one can make you happy if you are unhappy with yourself. You will always feel miserable and inadequate. YOU have to start the loving process first to get the love you seek.

Dealing With a Negative Situation
If your partner is having, or has had, an affair, then sitting in that demoralising situation wondering why he found someone more attractive won’t help you. It only makes you feel worse: truly rejected, unwanted and unloved. You have to begin the slow process of finding out why you think you are not much, why you feel unloved and begin to appreciate yourself, a step at a time.

Once you begin to feel better about you, as a person, others will flock to you and your husband is more likely to notice and respect you. But the simple truth is that you are not likelt to find love until you love yourself, because you are offering something unlovable to others, something you don’t care about, something you loathe. Yet you expect them to compensate for that loathing by loving you instead. You expect them to be excited about your substandard goods. Cart before horse, I’m afraid.

You have a lot going for you, with or without a someone else. Pick yourself up and stop focusing on your partner. You will never be able to please him in this state. Keep saying to yourself that if he doesn’t like you, there is always someone else and start to rebuild your confidence. Once attraction goes, it doesn’t return, no matter what you do. Something essential is lost. You merely prolong the pain. To keep the relationship it has to be re-established on a different plain of mutual respect, and that’s very hard to do when we are feeling unloved and resentful and the other party isn’t really interested. Sadly, while you are waiting to please him further, he is already looking outside and the one thing these outside liaisons do to a relationship is to show what is missing from it, which makes reconciliation even harder.

Stop trying to be Perfect
Most important, stop being hard on yourself in trying to be a perfect parent for your child. The more you do that, the more inadequate you will feel trying to measure up. Life does what it likes and just because you cannot offer your son two parents doesn’t mean he does not appreciate the individual love you each have to give him. Get rid of your desire for perfection and accept your situation as it is. Try to improve it in other ways instead of vainly holding on to an ideal which is draining your resources and sapping your confidence and esteem.

Will love be back? you ask. Yes it will, every time. Only you can bring love back into your life when you stop seeking approval, stop expecting people to love you to make up for your lack of self love, stop trying to be perfect and start giving to others and yourself, instead of just waiting to receive. Believe me, it would be a wholly new and fulfilling experience.

How can you make your man love you? You can’t, so stop trying. Something is missing from your relationship and unless you find out what it is, the situation will only get worse. The real question here seems to be, “How can I love myself?”. Once you work that out, things will begin to happen that you didn’t even expect because you won’t wait around for his love. However, do hang in there. It really does get better when you begin to look outwards, when you can see where you want to go and you begin to truly value the most important person in your world – YOU!

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RELATED BOOK: Cheating & Betrayal: A Handy Guide to Reducing Its Impact

Today’s Thought: What Are You Attracting?

Many people believe that to find their ideal partner they simply have to look for the right physically attractive person and everything will be fine. But whoever we are drawn towards are also drawn to us because of the vibes we are giving off. If we are suspicious, wary, or lacking in empathy or cold in approach, sadly that’s exactly what we will attract in others because, quite simply, like attracts like.