Five Reasons Why Marriages Are In Decline

Posted on 15/11/2022 by mscyprah

Going by the latest statistics, marriages are significantly on the decline in the UK. In 1970, there were 480,285 marriages registered. As of 2021, the yearly average has has dropped steadily to 275,000 weddings, annual average, a massive fall of 43% during that time. In fact, the year 2007 produced the lowest marriage rates since they were registered. One writer in the Guardian attributed the gradual fall mainly to a lack of trust in society among people for each other, labelling current marriages as “households built on sand”. That could be one factor, but I doubt if it comes anywhere near the five major factors that are keeping marriages at bay in our technological world. The figures apply mainly to opposite sex relationships.

The first and main reason is that today’s men and women are caught in transition.

The old authoritarian order where men were regarded as head of the household and could literally dictate whether a woman was taken or remained a spinster for life has been gradually swept away. Both sexes are now caught in no man’s land rapidly re-writing the rules. Women, in particular, are enjoying new freedoms, able to take care of themselves without needing to marry to do so. They have their own income, their own houses and their own cars, the kind of assets men would boast of when trying to woo a woman.

Many men now feel inadequate in that respect and are unsure of their approach. Worse still, too many lack confidence in how to interact with women. The goalposts of macho security have long moved and, fearing being rejected by the new independent women, many men prefer to look but lack the courage to make any connection. The result is a lot of lonely people busily skirting around each other, superficially looking keen and eager, but, in the absence of modern protocol, are often scared witless as to how they should proceed with that contact.

The next key factor is a fear of being hurt.

Men on dating sites even have handles that say ‘Please don’t hurt me!”, which sounds so wimpish and cowardly. One feels the urge to say: We’ve all been hurt, just get over it! But men, in particular, take hurting very badly and many lives are actually determined by that fear of being emotionally scarred. Yet, by focusing on being ‘hurt’, they forget that pleasure comes before any kind of hurt and so they’ll miss out on the pleasure, too. Which is why many of them are increasingly lonely, angry and bitter at the state of their lives. A person living in fear is not a happy one. Fear spells doom and gloom because such people are simply waiting for the next worst thing to happen to them.

Not surprisingly, it does happen, in a self-fulfilling way, because when we fear we bring that fear into reality through our expectations and a lack of trust. If they believe that the next woman they meet will cheat on them it is only a matter of time before this happens because the way they treat that woman, mainly with suspicion and negative expectations, will soon annoy her off enough to send her into the arms of another. Most men need to recognise that life goes in a balance of pain and pleasure, up and down, good and bad, birth and death, for example. We cannot have one without the other and the quicker we cope with each event and leave it behind, the more effectively we cope with hurting, too.

3. The third problem for modern couples is seeking perfectionism in choice of partners.

Most people now will not make do with ‘second best’ in their eyes. Unless their choices are exactly right in every way, fitting the perfect imaginary identikit, they will not marry. She must have certain characteristics, especially being “young, slim and beautiful” and he must be “tall, handsome, solvent/wealthy”, and certainly not bald! Of course, as there would be a premium on these perfect beings, with younger women wanting even younger men, there are a lot of unhappy people whose unrealistic expectations are being ignored.

Many people foolishly believe that they are actually shopping for an unchanging product when they are seeking a partner, one that comes to order. But human beings are emotionally diverse and are ever changing. Often by focusing on some aspects to the detriment of others, one is likely to miss something else of value that person might bring to the friendship. The only two things that should matter in a connection are the degree of attraction and chemistry between them. Everything else will gradually unfold.

The next major factor is a practical one: fear of divorce costs.

Marrying is pretty simple to do if one doesn’t desire a big splash. But the divorce can be traumatic because everything has to be shared. When there is bitterness and resentment included as well, that usually mean lawyers – and lawyers cost. That is why many people baulk at weddings. They project themselves further down the line and the sheer thought of the expense of divorce puts all thoughts of marriage in the shade. For some people it is all too much.

Finally, there is the sex factor.

In the past, most people, especially women, ‘saved’ themselves for the man of their dreams, and to conform to social and religious protocol of no sex before marriage. If men wanted sex, they could only get it in being married. Now with freer sex between couples, there is no need for marriage, especially when one puts that together with the desire to have children significantly decreasing or being deferred to a later age. Many men are now having children in their late 40s and early 50s, putting careers firmly in front of families. It means the desire to settle down with someone and to have a family is lessened to a large degree for younger people. Many do not see the point in getting married at all, especially if they believe that they cannot afford to keep a family.

Fifty years ago marriage was the important foundation for society. It validated the family unit, it confirmed procreation, it established men in caring roles and gave security to women who often had no other outlet for their talents. Today, with increasing self-awareness and independence, the reasons for marriage are becoming obsolete, except in religious or traditional spheres. One thing seems certain: so long as people fear being hurt, seek perfect partners and lack the confidence to interact with one another, the decline of marriage will continue until something else, perhaps more convenient, gradually takes its place.

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Feeling Neglected, Though Part Of A Family

Posted on 26/09/2022 by mscyprah

One of the biggest causes of breakdowns in relationships is simple neglect of a partner once children appear on the scene. No attention, no affection and, worst of all, no sex, as spouses become lost in the routine and minutiae of child rearing, forgetting how those children came about in the first place! This unwitting form of rejection, especially in the early years of marriage, is perpetuated in many homes and often sets the seal for trouble ahead.

New additions to families have the knack of grabbing all the attention. Daily, many mums (in particular) strive to accommodate this sudden, pervasive and persistent demand on their time, often in an unnecessarily guarded and protective manner, that gradually excludes their partners and spouses. Invariably, it is men who lose out at this time. Some do not take such exclusion lightly, often feeling jealous of the new rival, but not quite sure how to react in these sensitive and uncharted waters.

When the demands of the child constantly interfere with the normal togetherness and intimacy the couple enjoys, it is difficult to maintain a positive, romantic or even sympathetic perspective. Inexperienced, anxious mothers are primarily concerned about their new and vulnerable charges, while excluded fathers are reduced to the role of helpless bystanders, often withdrawing emotionally from the situation while constantly fretting on the quiet. It won’t be long before they look elsewhere for comfort and affirmation, judging by the disproportionate number of divorces in the UK which involve young children under 11 years old (68% of all UK divorces in 2017 – 30% with children under 5!).

Two individuals trying to live harmoniously together is no easy feat and sometimes we unwittingly set a train of action into motion, blissfully unaware of the consequences until it flattens us to a pulp. Like this routine-looking scene in my local park one Sunday that masked many anxieties. Running noisily around a park bench was an animated group of children, with a male and female guardian in their thirties. Three very lively youngsters buzzed around the woman, competing with one another for her attention. Seemingly concerned, she sat very still, holding on tightly to the youngest child, cradling his head against her warm body as if she could not bear to let him go. With her head bowed in a sort of reverie, she seemed oblivious to the merrymaking and intermittent noise around her, and was equally oblivious to someone else standing in front of her.

Signs of Frustration
A man of similar age, rather windswept and miserable, looked down at her longingly. Sporadically, he looked away at the people around him and back to his companion in a cycle of futile expectation. Her lack of response unnerved him. He seemed trapped by the situation, in which he was expected to give attention to children wrapped up in their own game while feeling decidedly excluded himself. Perhaps he was her lover, or her husband. Either way, these simple signs of frustration pointed to a relationship heading for trouble.

The haunting look in his eyes as he tried to appear nonchalant, when he clearly wanted her attention, and perhaps a cuddle too, was not difficult to see. He scoured the park for similar situations; for the reassurance that as a man he was in the right place at the right time doing the right thing. But the reassurance was not forthcoming and the look of bewilderment on his face betrayed not only a desperate kind of wonder at what he could do next, but also his increasingly obvious feeling of being unwanted and on the periphery. The young toddler might have required attention at that precise moment, but the woman was so focused entirely on his needs, everything else appeared to be in suspended animation. That scene has been indelibly etched on my mind ever since.

With children in tow, this couple is likely to be married. And, with this type of relationship providing the most up-to-date statistics on living together, it is easy to see the downward trends in the length of marriages once children are on the scene. Love is universal in its effects and emotions are always predictable be they personal, individual, peculiar or particular. Any two committed people sharing the same space can expect a repeat of what happens to many other couples, especially with new additions to the family. The advent of children, even as a welcome third party, could spell doom for most couple’s relationships unless they are strong, knowledgeable and mature enough to deal with the new situation sensibly. Often this is not the case, as no one has prior training for such sensitive times. The results can then, sadly, be seen in the courts.

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Problem Point: Sex In Marriage – An Obligation Or An Act Of Love?

Posted on 14/09/2022 by mscyprah

Question. What if wife is so tired from doing chores all day and also with the kids and then at night in the bedroom the husband asks for sex and the wife is not in the mood…Should she still do it just to give way to her husband to please him? Or what?

A. Why should sex be an obligation in a marriage? Some men might view it that way because they feel marriage carries certain commitment with it, especially sex. But sex has to be a two-way desire to work. Any relationship is about SHARING and if one person is too tired to give affection to the other, it says a lot about the actual state of the marriage. If that person got some help from her spouse with all the stuff she had to do, for example, perhaps she wouldn’t be so whacked at the end of each day. However, there are a few things happening here which need to be noted.

1. Tiredness relating to sex can often hide resentment behind it. Resentment of what the person has to do, the lack of help, the lack of attention or just feeling frustrated because expectations are not being fulfilled. Often many spouses use a denial of sex as a weapon because there is nothing else they can use to make their point about how they feel. If this carries on too many times it will lead to disaster, as the spouse might begin to play tit-for-tat, or look outwards for what he/she is not getting at home, and that is how affairs begin!

2. Marriage should be no different from dating, and if people really love one another they would want to make love and show affection to each other as often as possible, not just when they feel okay. Sex is not something that goes on the back burner once a couple take their vows. If anything, that’s the time most people should move even closer together in their feelings. So if one person is feeling too tired too often to reciprocate, she needs to discuss this with her partner, especially the reasons why, and how they can BOTH remedy the situation. He might even be able to offer some help she hadn’t thought about to ease the chores. Not to wait until the bedroom to then say NO to his advances.

3. Many couples carry their frustrations and resentments into the bedroom instead of discussing them and trying to sort them out, then wonder later on when their marriage goes pear-shaped why things went wrong. The tragedy in most relationships is that the minute people feel unwanted, unloved and rejected, they begin to look elsewhere to be affirmed, which is why there are so many divorces instead of longer marriages.

Sex should never be an obligation between a couple, but it shouldn’t be withheld too often either. Otherwise, it means no one is really enjoying it. Sex is always an act of love, otherwise what’s the point of freely getting married?

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